Life changing true stories told to encourage, empower and inspire us!

Bookmark and Share

"Fill your mind with light, happiness, hope, feelings of security and strength, and soon your life will reflect these qualities." ~Unknown

Email me anytime:

"The Greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance!" ~Brian Tracy

All post and stories are the sole property of Velvet Over Steel aka Coreen Trost. I write and create post in order to help others, so share as you want. I just ask that you link back or give VOS credit. Some of the stories are going into a book in progress. Thank You ALL.. for your support and help!!
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Power of Denial... By Carmen Honacker

Photo Alto Images
It’s said that the power of love and hate can overcome anything… but I believe that denial is even stronger.

What makes denial so powerful is that it works with its “accomplices” – avoidance, diminishing, and blame. It therefore is one of the hardest habits to break. How can a person work on something that they feel they are not responsible for or didn’t do?

Denial leaves no room for self-awareness, and no room for growth or freedom, but it sure as hell makes life much easier, or so it seems! Denial, after all, is the sister of ignorance, and ignorance is supposedly bliss.

One would assume that it’s easier to avoid responsibility and look the other way. I’ve been in denial many times. And I always ended up paying the price for it. Consequences are what finally got me out and away from the blame game. As long as there are no severe consequences, as long as there are enablers, there will be denial.

I remember having a conversation with my father twenty years ago. He was telling false stories, and I corrected him. He totally flipped out, and yelled at me that I’m a liar. This is the first time that I truly started to grasp denial. He didn’t defend, he actually believed what he was saying!

I have observed this behavior time and time again, and it still leaves me speechless. As a manager, I would present an employee with black and white results, and he or she would look straight at them, claiming that they didn’t do it, or that it wasn’t their fault. I remember reprimanding an employee once for constant personal phone calls. She looked straight at me and told me that she was never on the phone during work hours. I sat right next to her!

Or I would call someone I considered a friend on their bad attitude, and they’d turn around and attack me. And then there’s the downplaying of a situation… i.e.m “I wasn’t really cheating on you, we were just hanging out.”

Life seems so much easier when one removes all responsibility, accountability and truth, and when one can point the finger at someone else, claiming that “it” wasn’t a big deal, that they didn’t do it, or attacking the one who called them on their actions. But is it really the better place to be? Would I rather be able to live in total denial? What would my life look like?

What are we without our integrity and strong character? What are we if we can neither receive, nor give truth? How sad would my life be if I had to continuously muster up all my energy to keep my eyes firmly shut and avoid being discovered for the fraud that I truly am?

When I lived in firm denial, there was no bliss. Instead, there was disappointment, tears, anger, sadness and isolation. As long as I couldn’t be real with myself, I couldn’t attract others who were real either; which left me pretty lonely and miserable. The more I’d deny and blame, the more I’d sink into unrealistic expectations and victimhood; which in return would leave me more and more disappointed. With each disappointment, I’d point the finger again for being rejected and deceived. After all, denial fuels one of the most dangerous parts of the ego, the victim and martyr.

There was no happiness in those modes for me. There was no satisfaction and definitely no light at the end of the tunnel. Life would vary from being miserable and sad to being mediocre and bearable. There was not a whole lot of joy and no freedom at all! The few moments of “fun” were pseudo moments of happiness that wouldn’t last, but at least gave me the illusion that I was OK.

I now know that I am not the outsider I thought I was. It turns out that there are quite a few people who get me perfectly well. Maybe it’s easier to understand me when I don’t wear a mask, act from fear or suspicion, or from a place of having way too many expectations? I’m complicated and multi-faceted, but that doesn’t make me unreasonable or impossible to get along with. I’m more open and vulnerable than I’ve ever been. I guess that makes me more approachable and shows my true character. Evidently, this “new” me draws in a lot more people. Not living in denial any longer has given me the true, keen insight needed to stay clear of those who could exploit or damage this newfound open heart.

It’s a bit wobbly out there, but these days it’s actually much more fun, less energy consuming and leaves me with feelings of true bliss.    By Carmen Honacker

Bookmark and Share


  1. A most interesting subject, which made good reading and much thought,


  2. Well, I can't be in denial because I can't lie :) You either take me as I am or I move on. Probably why I'm unemployed too :D

    Nice post
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  3. Wonderful post! Tis better to know who you are and walk in that. Denial just gets in the way of the true joy of living!

  4. i love this post!
    can't we all just stick to the facts, base our truth from actual facts and good judgment, and move on from there?! but i struggle with this too. sigh!

  5. and this denial can really block possibility of any true communication and can be really really really hurtful ... .beautiful post as usual ...

  6. One of the first things we have to do is stop lying to ourselves. Great post.

  7. Great post! I often think about the power of TRUTH... I have learned that ignorance is NOT BLISS, and that TRUTH REALLY IS incredibly FREEING! ... love it! :D

    Thanks for shairing your thoughts.
    Corine :D

  8. You have described the state of denial perfectly. And most people are just totally clueless they are in that state.

  9. Great post, Coreen.... Aren't we humans in DENIAL of something most of the time??? I was in denial about being in a terrible marriage the first time around.. I stayed in it for TWENTY years. When I finally realized the truth within myself, I became strong enough to get out of that marriage. That was totally FREEING..... And it ended up being the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

    Guess we all have those 'in denial' stories within ourselves...

  10. humans do deny a lot. great post dear xxxx

  11. I am surprised someone didn't add, da nile is in Eygpt. All the attitude offered as example was fairly childish.It wasn't me that told you.LOL

  12. Well, denial and pride, I don;t know which is worse! Don't you think that denial is really passive aggressive pride?

  13. Denial is tough place to come back from. Great post - very thought provoking.

  14. That article is so true! I LOVED the last paragraph! It is so much more vulnerable a situation, but yes, you draw so many more in. Thanks Coreen! (Hope your weekend is turning out fabulous!! :) :))

  15. It is interesting that so much is written about love and hate, yet so little in comparison on denial. Food for thought.

  16. great post, I am a yoga therapist at a drug/alcohol rehab center......I am engulfed in denial all the time. Denial seems to be a way of existence for many.


Thank you for stopping by! I would LOVE your comments!


Related Posts with Thumbnails