Pushing Buttons in Relationships

When we’ve known someone for a long time, we know the good and bad; mistakes and challenges of each other. And unfortunately in times of conflict, we know what buttons to push with that information. The person I discussed this with recently is someone I see only with a heart of gold. So I found it hard to believe that he had ever done anything wrong that someone close could 'push a button' with him. But then I realized that we all make mistakes that we regret, no matter how good a person we are. I certainly have and I think I’m a good person.

I thought back on my marriage and remembered things I’d seen differently back then. Of course I knew the buttons that he pushed with me; the ones that cut me to the core at times. But I didn’t see at the time what buttons I pushed with him. After our divorce, I remember my ex-husband telling me, during a calm conversation, that I could never get over the mistakes he’d made in the beginning of our relationship and reminded him of those whenever I was extremely mad or upset. He was right! I knew it then, but thought it was still his fault because he had made those mistakes. Six years later, going through what I have and finally having my emotions under control, I see things in a whole new way. It didn’t matter how many times he said he was sorry, or what he did to try and make up for those mistakes, I was still hurt and angry. I obviously hadn’t truly forgiven him or gotten over it.

There were other problems in our marriage that triggered the conflicts that lead to ‘pushing each other’s buttons’ and ultimately our divorce. But we still didn’t fight fair and caused unnecessary pain and heartache. I imagine that most couples don’t realize what they are doing in the heat of the moment.

I think the key to stop ‘pushing buttons’ is to truly forgive each other. In my own life, the first person I had to forgive first was ME, for my mistakes. After I did that I was able to forgive the people I felt had hurt me and finally move on.