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All post and stories are the sole property of Velvet Over Steel aka Coreen Trost. I write and create post in order to help others, so share as you want. I just ask that you link back or give VOS credit. Some of the stories are going into a book in progress. Thank You ALL.. for your support and help!!
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Should Unhappy Parents stay together for their Children? I say No...

My childhood was full of fighting, yelling, name calling and constant turmoil.  My parents were polar opposites who should have never been married, let alone stayed together 'for the kids'.  My dad was a good provider and a kind man, but he had a 'weekend' drinking problem sometimes.  My mother was just very unhappy, and that's what I remember most about her growing up.  At the time I didn't understand why she was so unhappy, but now I do.  I wish my parents had gotten divorced and been happy.

There has always been a Hugh debate on whether parents should stay together for their children.   

A recent on-line discussion at Should a couple ever stay together for the kids? has dozens of people giving their opinions and own stories. Few seem to feel that parents should stay together and most stories tell of unhappy childhoods and relationship problems later as a result.

Another website with opposite stories and opinions, is on the Daily Mail Do parents who stay together cause their children more harm? I wish my parents had divorced. I can totally relate to the first story and although the second author has a positive twist, I still don't feel she was better off.

I know many people who have experienced the damage themselves, as either children raised in unhappy homes or as parents who have experienced living in an unhappy marriage. I personally have experienced both. It's a cycle I finally broke and thankfully learned from.

Unfortunately many couples stay together for money reasons above all else. While money concerns are real, all the money in the world cannot make up for lack of 'peace' in a home.

I personally feel that unhappy parents should not stay together for their children. It's a proven fact that children who either hear verbal fighting and/or see physical fighting; have significant emotional and psychological damage; effecting many aspects in their life; especially their future relationships.

In my own personal experience, it caused much more damage than good. My parents stayed together because of money, and the effects on my self-esteem and relationship issues were horrific.  As an adult, I ended up in several controlling, abusive and dysfunctional relationships.  It took me a long time to overcome the anxiety and negative influences of seeing, hearing and experiencing the drama and even traumatic experiences that I was taught as a child, were normal and OK.

I now realize that people in these situations want to 'believe' those things, because the don't see a way out and justifying, making excuses and believing what they choose to, is one way they 'cope' and get through each day.

I remember after my own divorce, the feeling of 'calm' in the house and how my sons were more relaxed and happier.  My only regret was not giving my children a 'peaceful' home sooner than I did, because even 8 years later, I can still see the negative effects of exposing them to the drama they heard and saw for far too long.  I regret that more than anything else in my life.

More on this subject:
Staying for the kids sake
Can Unhappy Parents Raise Happy Children?
Together for the kids
Living a Lie

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms

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  1. I really feel the same way you do, I am so glad you posted this today its been a struggle today because Isaiah just got back from his dads house, we were teenagers when I got pregnant and I knew our relationship was too volitile to raise a baby in so I left him early on and married the man of my dreams, but today he cried for his dad and I couldnt give him any comfort and I thought I had made such a mess of his life on accident, I grew up in the same kind of household you did and I really cant thank you enough for the incredible timing on this post, we are literally in the midst of his sadness, I think I may post about it soon too. Just a blessing from God you are missy. Thanks again.

  2. It will get better Jana, for you and your son. My sons didn't understand and were confused at times when they were young. But they grew up to be fine young men and totally understand now. It's so much harder to forgive ourselves than anyone else. Hang in there!

  3. I am currently facing extreme difficu;ties with my marriage. We have 2 very young children (in fact babies, 14 months and 2 months). Whilst I love my wife we just do not get on at all, we cant communicate effectively and it is impossible to work as a team. My babies are my world and for me to leave my wife would destroy me as the thought of not living with and see my children every day hurts at just the thought but deep down I know that whether it be today or tomorrow enough will be enough and we will seperate. I just dont know what to do for the best. Is there a best time to break a family home? Would it have more or less of an impact on my children given their current ages?


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