Shout out to a Great blog post by Elise @ Raising Asperger Kids

Anyone Can Learn!

I believe that anyone can learn if given the proper environment and tools they need. I also feel that everyone can improve their social skills if given the opportunities, examples and support in social situations.

My own son, with Asperger Syndrome, has come further than any doctor or teacher in his past, ever thought he would. When he finally received the proper diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome at the age of 11, I was told by the pediatric specialist that he may never care about other people’s feelings, come out of his own world or learn. She was probably preparing me for the worst… but I didn’t want to hear it.

There have been numerous teachers in my son’s past who never thought he he could learn, let alone graduate high school let alone go to college. That was event when he was isolated 7th through 9th grades. Just minimal school work with an aid in a small private room every day. No regular classes to learn in and no high school credits.

Even in the high school that finally gave him the tools, understanding and encouragement to learn, few thought he would accomplish all that he has. Despite any personal opinions, everyone still gave him the help, resources, regular classes and education that they gave every other student. They never gave up on my son learning!

However, every once in a while, I would get wind of a negative comment made by a staff member at school and my ‘momma’ claws would come out. I didn’t want anyone working with my son to have an attitude that he could not learn or succeed. Or even more, I didn’t want anyone talking about my son behind ‘our’ backs and causing negative attitudes to effect how he was treated. I had seen that happen at his previous school. Of course now, he is a Hugh success story and I would hope no one there doubts he can learn or his future anymore!

I always knew he was smart and could learn. That he just needed the tools, or assistive technology in his case, along with the understanding of the anxiety associated with Asperger Syndrome. My son needed understanding and the confidence to learn and was lucky enough to finally find an awesome school with incredible teachers and staff that truly believed that everyone can learn!
http://www.velvetoversteel.com/

What wrong with my Son Part? II

My youngest son had obvious developmental delays from being 10 weeks premature. Doctors and teachers thought he had many other things wrong with him, such as ADHD and OCD. He was finally seen by a specialist at University of Nebraska’s Munroe-Meyer’s Institute. That is when he got a correct diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome at the age of 11.

I had my son in speech therapy at age 2, because he didn’t talk yet. He went to a special education pre-school in a town 15 miles away at age 3. He started kindergarten at his home school at age 5. At age 7 we were told there was a better school for him about 40 miles away. It wasn’t. In fact it was a horrible school that treated every child as though the only reason they were behind was because they didn’t want to learn and had behavior problems. It was more like a juvenile detention center for ‘elementary’ children, than a place of learning.

Children with learning disabilities can learn, they just learn differently or need extra help. It was not the right place for my son and certainly not the environment that was going to help him in any way. I pulled him out and caused uproar; evidently no parent had done that before then. Oh and I may have told the administration what I thought.

I found another private school for my son and he thrived for about 1 ½ years there. However the last six months there were internal upheaval with the administration and teachers. That caused the school to came into financial problems and closed. The director that had left six months earlier started her own tutoring business for kids who learned differently. Special individualized reading and writing programs that focused on how each child learned. The concept worked, but it was only an hour or two a day, so my son went back to his primary school the rest of the day.

The principle and teachers were very nice and welcomed Brandon back very warmly. By now he was in the middle of 5th grade and back in regular classes. Still very far behind the rest of his peers, he at least was getting some social exposure. This is the same time when Brandon received the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. The school and I finally had an answer and some resources to work with.

Asperger Syndrome explained the lack in social skills and the extremely high anxiety. It also somewhat explained his unique IQ. Math and anything ‘non-verbal’ came very easy for Brandon. He could do 8 part math in his head and he could build incredible creations with just about anything. However, reading and writing were Hugh struggles. Reading was extremely difficult even with the private tutoring. Writing took him 10 times longer than the rest of kids his age so he avoided it at all cost.

Finding ways to motivate him, while keeping his anxiety under control, was very challenging for everyone involved. We all worked together his last year and a half at the elementary school and I felt he made progress. I also felt that people truly cared about him there and learned about Asperger Syndrome in order to help him learn.

Then it was time to go to the junior high school, on the other side of the football field in our small town. That’s where everything changed and I’m afraid not for the better. It was a horrible 3 years going backwards again………………….

http://www.velvetoversteel.blogspot.com/

Should Unhappy Parents stay together for their Children? I say No...

My childhood was full of fighting, yelling, name calling and constant turmoil.  My parents were polar opposites who should have never been married, let alone stayed together 'for the kids'.  My dad was a good provider and a kind man, but he had a 'weekend' drinking problem sometimes.  My mother was just very unhappy, and that's what I remember most about her growing up.  At the time I didn't understand why she was so unhappy, but now I do.  I wish my parents had gotten divorced and been happy.

There has always been a Hugh debate on whether parents should stay together for their children.   

A recent on-line discussion at Fluther.com Should a couple ever stay together for the kids? has dozens of people giving their opinions and own stories. Few seem to feel that parents should stay together and most stories tell of unhappy childhoods and relationship problems later as a result.

Another website with opposite stories and opinions, is on the Daily Mail Do parents who stay together cause their children more harm? I wish my parents had divorced. I can totally relate to the first story and although the second author has a positive twist, I still don't feel she was better off.

I know many people who have experienced the damage themselves, as either children raised in unhappy homes or as parents who have experienced living in an unhappy marriage. I personally have experienced both. It's a cycle I finally broke and thankfully learned from.

Unfortunately many couples stay together for money reasons above all else. While money concerns are real, all the money in the world cannot make up for lack of 'peace' in a home.

I personally feel that unhappy parents should not stay together for their children. It's a proven fact that children who either hear verbal fighting and/or see physical fighting; have significant emotional and psychological damage; effecting many aspects in their life; especially their future relationships.

In my own personal experience, it caused much more damage than good. My parents stayed together because of money, and the effects on my self-esteem and relationship issues were horrific.  As an adult, I ended up in several controlling, abusive and dysfunctional relationships.  It took me a long time to overcome the anxiety and negative influences of seeing, hearing and experiencing the drama and even traumatic experiences that I was taught as a child, were normal and OK.

I now realize that people in these situations want to 'believe' those things, because the don't see a way out and justifying, making excuses and believing what they choose to, is one way they 'cope' and get through each day.

I remember after my own divorce, the feeling of 'calm' in the house and how my sons were more relaxed and happier.  My only regret was not giving my children a 'peaceful' home sooner than I did, because even 8 years later, I can still see the negative effects of exposing them to the drama they heard and saw for far too long.  I regret that more than anything else in my life.

More on this subject:
Staying for the kids sake
Can Unhappy Parents Raise Happy Children?
Together for the kids
Living a Lie

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms