Stop Justifying their actions...it only enables them.

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"Truth never needs to Justify itself." ~Glenn Curtis Maddox 

Stop justifying what someone else does.  When we do this (and we all do at times) we're actually just making excuses for their behavior, actions, in-actions and the choices they're making in their life.

Justifying or making excuses, doesn't help anyone in the long run.  Only enabling them to continue what they're doing; keeping them from taking responsibility for their own actions.

Those actions or lack of action, behavior and/or choices can go two ways.  They can be someone who for example be: manipulative, unstable, irrational, or dishonest.  Or they can be the person who puts up with a toxic person or situation.

Either way; it's that person's choice and they need to take responsibility the role they play.  Justifying either behavior, only enables them to continue to make excuses and push blame away from themselves.

I have justified actions and enabled a friend more than once over the past few years.  Believing that I needed to help them because I understood, and had great empathy because I'd been in a similar situation once.  Only recently have I realized that I've probably done more harm than good.

It's certainly OK to offer help and friendship to someone; however if they don't change their situation or circumstances, I feel it's best to step back.  Sometimes we're too close to someone and want to believe they need us, that we don't see the situation realistically.

After being honest with myself; I could finally see that I was justifying their choices and making excuses for their choices, behavior and not being honest.  So many times I thought they were getting stronger and closer to choosing a better life.

I now know that a person being treated badly, must also take responsibility for allowing it or for staying in a toxic situation; before they can move on and finally allow themselves to choose happiness over misery.

Justifying their actions only seemed to give them a 'free pass', enabling them to escape any responsibility for their own in-action and choices.  I now feel I've allowed them to use my friendship and support as a sort of ER whenever their wounds are once again torn open and they need another band-aid to stop the oozing and numb the pain to get them through... until the next time things fall apart or are unbearable; then returning for another band-aid... over and over again.

Even blog post that I thought were bringing strength, hope and direction seemed to have been nothing more than a type of Prozac to comfort them temporarily.  Once again to only get them through another day or week.  Not all that I'd hoped I was doing for my friend.

At least now I know the truth and realize my mistakes.  After these recent revelations, I've significantly changed how I handle people and will view friendships from now on.  My focus is still on helping others through my writing, blog and interactions; however I've learned to set boundaries earlier and move on without regret.  Once again, you can't help someone, who's not ready to help them-self yet.      

"Every reason they give is a cognitive distortion."  But they rationalize their actions to cope with the situation they find themselves in.   

These rationalizations are cognitive distortions that allow them to act on their impulses, and there are as many rationalizations as there are manipulated, manipulators, abused or abusers. ~Sarah Paquette

Manipulative People: Confessions of a Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

Stop Explaining. Stop Justifying. Stop Talking. Boundaries Are Upheld With Action

I know the following quote is harsh; yet it is so true...

"Hitler's dictatorship rested on the constitutional foundation of a single law, the Enabling Law." ~Alan Bullock

Until Men say something.... the abuse won't stop.

"A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for injury." ~John Stuart Mill

The a recent story about Mel Gibson's abusive rants and alleged abuse has once again brought up many points.  Points regarding the attitudes and responses of the men in our society toward the 'bad' behavior of other men.

One point is why do some men get away with what they do and why 'commen' everyday people sit in jail during the investigations.   If not for the safety of the women involved, but because there are laws that the men in question have violated.

Another point is the effect of fame, stature and of course money has on cases like these.  The treatment is obviously different and happens on many social levels all over the country and world.  Probably has as long as people have been on this earth.  However, that doesn't mean it's OK.

We've seen this not only in Hollywood and Washington, but in 'small town America' as well.  The 'rich' person who owns a main business in town that employs many of the male 'bread winners' or the man who 'shares' excessive money with his 'male friends'. 

Some 'big shot men' in local communities treat the women in their lives with little or no respect and are even abusive right in front of other people.  In each these scenarios, I've never seen one man standing there say anything to them.  Not to their faces anyway.  Behind their backs they may talk to each other about the behavior and even warn other women to stay away from them.  To their face however, they say nothing and allow the behavior to continue without any repercussions to their 'good old boys club' friendships.

A final point, is why his behavior towards women is tolerated by other men.  A far greater issue in our society.  The tolerance of abuse by other males is the number one reason the abuse continues in our country and of course the world.  

After my own experiences, countless hours talking to both men and women, the healing I was able to gain through my own growth followed by forgiveness.... I was finally able to understand where much of the abusive behavior really comes from... which is a lack of respect for women in general!

The over all issue is how the violence and abuse, not only physical but verbal and emotional as well, against women will ever stop.  Well it won't, at least not until other 'men' stand up and say something to their male friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors and even the strangers they encounter on the streets in public places. 

Abusive men, don't respect women.  That is obvious!  So another women saying something to them, even their own mother, sister, grandmother... has no impact on their behavior or way of thinking.  Again, because either conscious or subconscious, these men don't respect women.  Or they wouldn't have the attitudes and excuses they do to treat them badly.  All the excuses in the world doesn't change the fact that these men would never treat another 'man' the same way.  No matter how angry or frustrated they 'feel' these people make them.   Of course most of us know that that alone is an excuse.

Now I'm not saying that no man stands up to another man.  Of course they do, my own sons do and I have several male friends who do.  However that is not the norm and until it is the normal and immediate response, of the vast majority of men the abusive treatment of women will not stop in our country or the world overall.

My dear friend Sushmita wrote the perfect poem this week to go with this post that I would like to  share: the little doll who had a heart....
 

What wrong with my Son Part? II

My youngest son had obvious developmental delays from being 10 weeks premature. Doctors and teachers thought he had many other things wrong with him, such as ADHD and OCD. He was finally seen by a specialist at University of Nebraska’s Munroe-Meyer’s Institute. That is when he got a correct diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome at the age of 11.

I had my son in speech therapy at age 2, because he didn’t talk yet. He went to a special education pre-school in a town 15 miles away at age 3. He started kindergarten at his home school at age 5. At age 7 we were told there was a better school for him about 40 miles away. It wasn’t. In fact it was a horrible school that treated every child as though the only reason they were behind was because they didn’t want to learn and had behavior problems. It was more like a juvenile detention center for ‘elementary’ children, than a place of learning.

Children with learning disabilities can learn, they just learn differently or need extra help. It was not the right place for my son and certainly not the environment that was going to help him in any way. I pulled him out and caused uproar; evidently no parent had done that before then. Oh and I may have told the administration what I thought.

I found another private school for my son and he thrived for about 1 ½ years there. However the last six months there were internal upheaval with the administration and teachers. That caused the school to came into financial problems and closed. The director that had left six months earlier started her own tutoring business for kids who learned differently. Special individualized reading and writing programs that focused on how each child learned. The concept worked, but it was only an hour or two a day, so my son went back to his primary school the rest of the day.

The principle and teachers were very nice and welcomed Brandon back very warmly. By now he was in the middle of 5th grade and back in regular classes. Still very far behind the rest of his peers, he at least was getting some social exposure. This is the same time when Brandon received the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. The school and I finally had an answer and some resources to work with.

Asperger Syndrome explained the lack in social skills and the extremely high anxiety. It also somewhat explained his unique IQ. Math and anything ‘non-verbal’ came very easy for Brandon. He could do 8 part math in his head and he could build incredible creations with just about anything. However, reading and writing were Hugh struggles. Reading was extremely difficult even with the private tutoring. Writing took him 10 times longer than the rest of kids his age so he avoided it at all cost.

Finding ways to motivate him, while keeping his anxiety under control, was very challenging for everyone involved. We all worked together his last year and a half at the elementary school and I felt he made progress. I also felt that people truly cared about him there and learned about Asperger Syndrome in order to help him learn.

Then it was time to go to the junior high school, on the other side of the football field in our small town. That’s where everything changed and I’m afraid not for the better. It was a horrible 3 years going backwards again………………….

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