Until Men say something.... the abuse won't stop.

"A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for injury." ~John Stuart Mill

The a recent story about Mel Gibson's abusive rants and alleged abuse has once again brought up many points.  Points regarding the attitudes and responses of the men in our society toward the 'bad' behavior of other men.

One point is why do some men get away with what they do and why 'commen' everyday people sit in jail during the investigations.   If not for the safety of the women involved, but because there are laws that the men in question have violated.

Another point is the effect of fame, stature and of course money has on cases like these.  The treatment is obviously different and happens on many social levels all over the country and world.  Probably has as long as people have been on this earth.  However, that doesn't mean it's OK.

We've seen this not only in Hollywood and Washington, but in 'small town America' as well.  The 'rich' person who owns a main business in town that employs many of the male 'bread winners' or the man who 'shares' excessive money with his 'male friends'. 

Some 'big shot men' in local communities treat the women in their lives with little or no respect and are even abusive right in front of other people.  In each these scenarios, I've never seen one man standing there say anything to them.  Not to their faces anyway.  Behind their backs they may talk to each other about the behavior and even warn other women to stay away from them.  To their face however, they say nothing and allow the behavior to continue without any repercussions to their 'good old boys club' friendships.

A final point, is why his behavior towards women is tolerated by other men.  A far greater issue in our society.  The tolerance of abuse by other males is the number one reason the abuse continues in our country and of course the world.  

After my own experiences, countless hours talking to both men and women, the healing I was able to gain through my own growth followed by forgiveness.... I was finally able to understand where much of the abusive behavior really comes from... which is a lack of respect for women in general!

The over all issue is how the violence and abuse, not only physical but verbal and emotional as well, against women will ever stop.  Well it won't, at least not until other 'men' stand up and say something to their male friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors and even the strangers they encounter on the streets in public places. 

Abusive men, don't respect women.  That is obvious!  So another women saying something to them, even their own mother, sister, grandmother... has no impact on their behavior or way of thinking.  Again, because either conscious or subconscious, these men don't respect women.  Or they wouldn't have the attitudes and excuses they do to treat them badly.  All the excuses in the world doesn't change the fact that these men would never treat another 'man' the same way.  No matter how angry or frustrated they 'feel' these people make them.   Of course most of us know that that alone is an excuse.

Now I'm not saying that no man stands up to another man.  Of course they do, my own sons do and I have several male friends who do.  However that is not the norm and until it is the normal and immediate response, of the vast majority of men the abusive treatment of women will not stop in our country or the world overall.

My dear friend Sushmita wrote the perfect poem this week to go with this post that I would like to  share: the little doll who had a heart....
 

Only Quality Stalkers please...

It is very hard for me to put myself out there. I have done so a few times in the last 5 years and it has never worked out well. In the past I have ended up embarrassed and even humiliated, making it almost impossible to trust the men who ask me out.

I want to understand why some men I meet turn out to be stalkers. Immediately deciding that I’m the ‘one’ and pursuing me at full speed. To the point I consider getting a restraining order because they won’t take no for an answer.

While other men, whom I think are a possible match, give mixed signals and play games. Men who seem interested one day and distant the next. These men are constantly running hot and cold in spite of my patience and remaining independent. I don’t understand them or why I seem to attract these mixed up souls.

For once I would like to attract an honest, sincere man who doesn’t play games. I want a man who will work at quality relationship and willing to fight for it or me as the case may be. That’s the man I want to pursue me next... a quality stalker please!
www.velvetoversteel.com

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons

I recently read the book "Falling in Love for All Right Reasons" by Neil Clark Warren. He is the co-founder of eHarmony. He goes through the 29 dimensions of relationship compatibility. The main characterizes are in regards to values, character, mindset, temperament, and attitudes toward parenting.

Nowhere in the 29 dimensions does he mention either age or location. Yet most people pick someone to be in a relationship with based on one or both of those 2 things. Location especially seems to be a top priority for many people, just because it’s easier and more convenient.

I have always thought that after high school or 21, that age is just a number. So it was extremely interesting that age was also not one of the 29 dimensions.

The men I've dated have been a variety of ages. With none of them has age ever been a determination of their maturity, respect for others, values or morals.. In fact in my experience, age has nothing to do the character of a person or their compatibility to anyone.

The book is very good and I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to understand relationships and why some couples last and why some end up being polar opposites and get divorced.  Which is ok in my oppion, becasue I beleive people have a right to be happy.

So find the right person for you, fall in love for all the right reasons and above all "Be Happy"!
"Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons" by Neil Clark Warren.

What Most Men Really Want from a Date.

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I started dating about five years ago and it’s been one learning experience after another.

I realized rather quickly that most men don’t ask me out because they know I’m ‘special’.  And even fewer men want to really get to know ‘me’ on the inside. Most of these charming men just want to sleep with me.

They quickly discover that I’m looking for a genuine ‘relationship’ and not one based solely on physical attraction. Although the physically part of a relationship is important, I am looking for good character and similar values, morals and faith. I want a relationship built on a foundation of trust, respect and friendship. I am not settling for less.

Few men seem to understand what I’m talking about when I try to explain it to them. So I usually end up saying “I need some darn good reasons to take the estrogen and shave my legs” and that they haven’t given me any.  That usually gives them the hint that I’m not interested in them. 

I am very traditional and conservative in my beliefs. I love taking care of my family, home and being involved in all my children’s activities. I want a man who also enjoys those same ‘family’ values and activities. And I would love to be in a relationship where we take care of each other.

When I find a man with character, the same values, enjoys the same things and treats me like a ‘lady’, that will be the man for me. I believe it’s worth the wait for that ‘ONE’! 

Finding that 'ONE' right man.

After my divorce several years ago, I started meeting new friends and going out.  I quickly rememembered why I didn’t date much in high school.  Because dating can be uncomfortible and even scary at times. 

In the last 5 years I have dated quite a bit. Most have only been 1st dates, where I knew right away they were not the ‘ONE’ I was looking for. So I didn’t accept another date. Others I thought could be, so I went on a few more dates. I then either realized I didn’t feel what I should. Or I saw red flags, and RAN!

At times I’ve been told that I don’t give even the nice guys a chance. So I've gone on some second dates, just to make sure they were not the ‘One’. But that has never changed my initial intuition or gut feeling.  It has only confused and hurt some good men. Which is never my intention and I always feel bad when that happens.

I dated one man who was very nice, but who lived 2 hours away.  At that time in my life, I didn’t have the strength or energy for a long distance relationship. Another man I dated a few times seemed very nice at first.  I quickly realized that he was controlling and manipultive.  He just didn't want to be alone and wanted someone to take care of him.  Actually, I've met more than a few men like that the last 5 years.

Several other men I briefly went out with were very angry and bitter toward their ex-wives or girlfriends. I don’t want someone who is angry or bitter.  Life is too short for that.  So I knew right away that none of them were the 'one' for me either.

Then of course there were the smooth, sweet talking men who were only after one thing. These men were all very self-centered with little or no real respect for women. They go from one pretty flower to the next with no intention of building a lasting relationship. These types of men get angry when a woman wants to wait until she is sure where the relationship is going.  Men like this are never the 'one' for any women.  This is why all women should have ‘rules’ or standards if you will.  Having standards gets rid of men like this very quickly.

I believe there should be more depth and meaning in a relationship than just self gratification and living in the moment. ~ “If you’re not worth the wait, it’s a sure sign they are NOT the ‘ONE’!” ~Me

Another complaint I've heard is that I’m too picky.  I disagree with that perspective too.  It's not that I'm too critical.  It's that I know exactly what qualities I’m looking for in a man.  There is a difference!  In the past I have lacked self-esteem and almost settled for less than what I deserve.  So a few years ago I raised the bar.  Since then some men have argued that my ‘bar’ is set too darn high! My response to that is ‘it’s about time’!

I’m an extremely passionate person, with emotions that run very deep.  That is who I am!  I want to be with someone who appreciates those characteristics and truely understands me! Someone with similar beliefs, family values and a positive attitude!  A man with the same heart and soul as myself, if at all possible.  I’m waiting for that ‘ONE’!

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~Sam Keen