Silencing the Violence of Verbal Abuse

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Poster by: Matthew Hafenbrack  @ Creative Haf Design

As heartbreaking as it is to think about, many people (men and women; young and old) experience and suffer from some form of abuse everyday in this world.  Some for many years of their lives unfortunately.  However, I feel that Verbal Emotional Abuse is the most common and has the most lasting scars.  Bones heal, bruises fade, but the negative words spin in our heads over and over again.  Sometimes those Invisible Scars send people into deep depression from verbal abuse.  Keeping them from healing, focusing and moving past the pain.  It's hard to know you are not the cause when you are told over and over that you are. 

Abuse is usually associated with adults in marriages or relationships and between parents and children.   Now a days we see verbal and emotional abuse in not only in homes but also on the playgrounds, in the schools and even in work places.  It is even on the Internet in cyber space, referred to as Cyber Bullying.  The effects of verbal and emotional abuse are much more devastating to children and teens who are already struggling to fit in, make friends and build their self-esteem.

I was first a child watching abuse growing up, which effected my relationships later on; then I was the victum myself in an abusive marriage.  I know in my own experience it took me many years to heal and to get my self-esteem back. However the abuse in front of my children was the most devastating to me. The effects of experiencing or witnessing verbal abuse by children can cause more long-term, psychological damage than physical abuse.  They also could have learned and believed that that is how a woman should be treated  However, they saw the abuse for what it was...  Abuse... and how horribly wrong it was!  

As grown men now, all 3 are incredibly compassionate and protective of woman. They have told me the lessons they learned, which are how not to treat someone and how not to tolerate anyone else they see being abusive. I am so thankful and so proud of them!!!

The poster above was created by my middle son, a graphic designer Creative Haf Design.  He did this as a volunteer project to Stop Verbal Abuse.  He is a very talented and like his brothers, is passionate about speaking up for the protection of women and stopping abuse for both men and women, Silencing the Violence once and for all!  We discussed the role of men in a previous post Until Men say something.... the abuse won't stop.

I am a much stronger and confident person now a days and know that who I am today is partly because of what I went through yesterday.

Even though I have forgiven those who have hurt me and have moved past the pain, I feel I am suppose to write and use my life experiences to help other woman (and men) who have gone through or continue to go through similar experiences.

I truly believe that God uses our life experiences, both good and bad, to learn valuable life lessons, to grow emotionally and spiritually... as well as help others if we so choose. 

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." ~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Poster by: Matthew Hafenbrack @ Creative Haf Design

Below are some good articles on this subject:
Verbal Abuse Definition
Verbal Abuse - The Characteristics
The Verbal Abuse Site with video examples
How Can Someone Identify and Respond to Verbal Abuse?
Exercise to determine verbal abuse from CyberParent.com
The Effects of Verbal Abuse on Children
How to Help Children Understand Verbal Abuse

Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

More Resources:
National Coalition of Domestic Violence, Resources by State @ http://www.ncadv.org/

National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence.

 

Until Men say something.... the abuse won't stop.

"A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for injury." ~John Stuart Mill

The a recent story about Mel Gibson's abusive rants and alleged abuse has once again brought up many points.  Points regarding the attitudes and responses of the men in our society toward the 'bad' behavior of other men.

One point is why do some men get away with what they do and why 'commen' everyday people sit in jail during the investigations.   If not for the safety of the women involved, but because there are laws that the men in question have violated.

Another point is the effect of fame, stature and of course money has on cases like these.  The treatment is obviously different and happens on many social levels all over the country and world.  Probably has as long as people have been on this earth.  However, that doesn't mean it's OK.

We've seen this not only in Hollywood and Washington, but in 'small town America' as well.  The 'rich' person who owns a main business in town that employs many of the male 'bread winners' or the man who 'shares' excessive money with his 'male friends'. 

Some 'big shot men' in local communities treat the women in their lives with little or no respect and are even abusive right in front of other people.  In each these scenarios, I've never seen one man standing there say anything to them.  Not to their faces anyway.  Behind their backs they may talk to each other about the behavior and even warn other women to stay away from them.  To their face however, they say nothing and allow the behavior to continue without any repercussions to their 'good old boys club' friendships.

A final point, is why his behavior towards women is tolerated by other men.  A far greater issue in our society.  The tolerance of abuse by other males is the number one reason the abuse continues in our country and of course the world.  

After my own experiences, countless hours talking to both men and women, the healing I was able to gain through my own growth followed by forgiveness.... I was finally able to understand where much of the abusive behavior really comes from... which is a lack of respect for women in general!

The over all issue is how the violence and abuse, not only physical but verbal and emotional as well, against women will ever stop.  Well it won't, at least not until other 'men' stand up and say something to their male friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors and even the strangers they encounter on the streets in public places. 

Abusive men, don't respect women.  That is obvious!  So another women saying something to them, even their own mother, sister, grandmother... has no impact on their behavior or way of thinking.  Again, because either conscious or subconscious, these men don't respect women.  Or they wouldn't have the attitudes and excuses they do to treat them badly.  All the excuses in the world doesn't change the fact that these men would never treat another 'man' the same way.  No matter how angry or frustrated they 'feel' these people make them.   Of course most of us know that that alone is an excuse.

Now I'm not saying that no man stands up to another man.  Of course they do, my own sons do and I have several male friends who do.  However that is not the norm and until it is the normal and immediate response, of the vast majority of men the abusive treatment of women will not stop in our country or the world overall.

My dear friend Sushmita wrote the perfect poem this week to go with this post that I would like to  share: the little doll who had a heart....
 

Control vs. Trust - Define your Relationship

In my past, I was married to someone who was very controlling and manipulative.  I tried to understand them, help them, even tried to change them.  But it was a losing battle for many reasons. 

We both had many issues from our childhood's that effected our adult relationships.   I was the weaker one, with low self-esteem.  He was the stronger one with lots of 'trust' issues.  Or lack of trust, so he tried to make up for that with the same abusive tactics that he was raised with.  He demanded his version of respect with manipulation, fear and even force. 

He used the fear that I couldn't take care of my children financially, without him.  He made horrible threats that I don't even want to put into writing at this time.  Too horrendous to even imagine if you weren't there and lived through it.  Which I am grateful and even amazed that I did.  Looking back, it had to be my faith in God and the love for my children that got me through those years. 

Trust has been a Hugh issue for me, from many past relationships all the way back to my childhood.  I was way too trusting and naive most of my life.  Always focusing on the good and ignoring the bad, until it almost took my soul and nearly my life.  It has taken me 5 years to trust my own heart and intuition again.  A long road to a better me and well worth the travel to get here.  I can now see all the needed steps to the life lessons and personal growth I've experienced. 

Now that I'm at this point in my growth, about 2/3 to where I am going to be in the end, I can see and even feel what other people are going through.  At least people I care about and feel connected to for one reason or another.  I worry about them and want to help them.  Even if it's just by understanding what they are going through or being here for them if and when they need a friend, an ear, a hug or all three. 

I would not have made it through all the trials in my life without friends I could trust in my life.  No way!  They were amazing and genuinely cared about me.  They didn't judge, lecture or want anything in return.  They just wanted to help because that is how true friendship should be.  This is the type of friend we should all strive to be.

Below is an article I came across during a search on the subject of controlling relationships and trust.  I thought it was worth sharing.  Some may not 'believe' in the website, I am open minded and believe in the quality of the articles I read here.  To each their own and I would never tell someone else not to believe in something that they feel has helped or guided their own journey and believe in. :-)   If this post and the article can help even one person this weekend; then it was worth the time to write it.  Love and Hope to All of my friends!  ~ Coreen 

Control vs. Trust - Define your love              

Another Great Article is:  Building Trust in Relationships - Relationship Problems on Control

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