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All post and stories are the sole property of Velvet Over Steel aka Coreen Trost. I write and create post in order to help others, so share as you want. I just ask that you link back or give VOS credit. Some of the stories are going into a book in progress. Thank You ALL.. for your support and help!!
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Until Men say something.... the abuse won't stop.

"A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for injury." ~John Stuart Mill

The a recent story about Mel Gibson's abusive rants and alleged abuse has once again brought up many points.  Points regarding the attitudes and responses of the men in our society toward the 'bad' behavior of other men.

One point is why do some men get away with what they do and why 'commen' everyday people sit in jail during the investigations.   If not for the safety of the women involved, but because there are laws that the men in question have violated.

Another point is the effect of fame, stature and of course money has on cases like these.  The treatment is obviously different and happens on many social levels all over the country and world.  Probably has as long as people have been on this earth.  However, that doesn't mean it's OK.

We've seen this not only in Hollywood and Washington, but in 'small town America' as well.  The 'rich' person who owns a main business in town that employs many of the male 'bread winners' or the man who 'shares' excessive money with his 'male friends'. 

Some 'big shot men' in local communities treat the women in their lives with little or no respect and are even abusive right in front of other people.  In each these scenarios, I've never seen one man standing there say anything to them.  Not to their faces anyway.  Behind their backs they may talk to each other about the behavior and even warn other women to stay away from them.  To their face however, they say nothing and allow the behavior to continue without any repercussions to their 'good old boys club' friendships.

A final point, is why his behavior towards women is tolerated by other men.  A far greater issue in our society.  The tolerance of abuse by other males is the number one reason the abuse continues in our country and of course the world.  

After my own experiences, countless hours talking to both men and women, the healing I was able to gain through my own growth followed by forgiveness.... I was finally able to understand where much of the abusive behavior really comes from... which is a lack of respect for women in general!

The over all issue is how the violence and abuse, not only physical but verbal and emotional as well, against women will ever stop.  Well it won't, at least not until other 'men' stand up and say something to their male friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors and even the strangers they encounter on the streets in public places. 

Abusive men, don't respect women.  That is obvious!  So another women saying something to them, even their own mother, sister, grandmother... has no impact on their behavior or way of thinking.  Again, because either conscious or subconscious, these men don't respect women.  Or they wouldn't have the attitudes and excuses they do to treat them badly.  All the excuses in the world doesn't change the fact that these men would never treat another 'man' the same way.  No matter how angry or frustrated they 'feel' these people make them.   Of course most of us know that that alone is an excuse.

Now I'm not saying that no man stands up to another man.  Of course they do, my own sons do and I have several male friends who do.  However that is not the norm and until it is the normal and immediate response, of the vast majority of men the abusive treatment of women will not stop in our country or the world overall.

My dear friend Sushmita wrote the perfect poem this week to go with this post that I would like to  share: the little doll who had a heart....
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  1. actually i agree...we keep to our own business it seems until it is too late...

  2. Thank you for highlighting this issue, I agree with everything you have written,
    From expereience in recent years I have known abuse .......I got out but what if I hadn't?


  3. to think we allowed this idiot to act as our famous william wallace, grr gives men a bad name :)

  4. I think men, in general, don't like to interfere with what other men do. I think it also has the most to do with money and reputation. People with the most money and fame get away with the most. There are a lot of really good men out there. My husband has spoken out against a brother he had who was abusive and they aren't friends any more but he had to say something because the behavior wasn't right.

    Mel is just crazy.

  5. some men are starting to stand up. I've seen them out at Take back the night...It's got to stop....and the laws need to protect women and children...

  6. I was in a mentally abusive relationship before. He was mostly nice when other people were around although not always. During those times when his friends were around and he treated me so poorly, I always wondered why they never stood up to him. I found out he was cheating on me and confronted one of his friends. I asked the friend why he never told me my bf was cheating on me and he said, "It wasn't any of your business!" WTF?! I don't know how he jusitified it to himself as none of my business as the conversation got heated after that and I quit listening to anything he had to say. So yeah, men most definitely don't stand up to each other for the most part.

  7. Yes agree with this post. Men do need to be more respectful, trying to teach my son that!

  8. i think that a man doesn't want to confront an abusive male as he then might get the rage that he would turn in the woman's direction. i read the poem ,it was well written. thanks

  9. Hey ..

    Quite a thought provoking issue.At times I wonder what kind of self image would these men who abuse have....

    Its high time we women wake up and say STOP..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...u men better learn to respect women!

  10. its not easy to change thing that has been happened for a long time, like this. But I agree with Sarah that some of them are starting to stand up. We can find them around our "inner circle". Hope will see the the even more true result globally in the future.


  11. Men knew what's wrong with other men but unfortunately they just ignored it especially when the one who's doing it is their friend. I hate that norm in the society.

    If I could only do something about it. If I was born a man I won't tolerate it.

    It's not easy to stand for truth and justice but as long as one stand still the rest will follow. I am glad you post this one.!!!

  12. I gave you some bloggy loves, be sure to stop by my blog and pick up your awards!

  13. I agree that men should stand up to other men who are their supposed "friends" if they're being abusive and just douchebags in general. They seem to really follow the whole, "bros before hoes" thing.

  14. Great post.... It is true---but I'm not sure 'other' men know how to get involved. Men for the most part like to ignore what is going on around them... They just don't want to get involved. It is just their nature--unfortunately...

    I have been lucky since I've never been around any abusive men --but I have a good friend who was verbally abused for many years. When she finally had the nerve to leave, it took her years and years to get any self-esteem at all. And HE????? Just went on with life as usual! Damn!

    We do hear about the Hollywood guys or the big sports figures --when it comes to the 'power' they think they have --over everyone, not just women. It's horrible.. I hope something can be done.

    Great post.

  15. Hi Coreen,
    Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving you comment. I appreciate it. I noticed you were interested in Asperger Syndrome, and thought I'd just tell you that my niece's son, who is a senior in high school, has Asperger's. It is scary to think about him out on his own because he doesn't make good decisions or have any 'people skills'.

  16. Amen! Thanks for a great post, and your recent visit to my blog. I'll be back to visit!


  17. Coreen...intelligent post as usual... and i am humbled by the fact that you actually thought of me while posting it ... i have immense respect for you and i feel awesome to say the least (for the fact that i actually crossed your mind!!!)...take care...

  18. These men think they can do and say antyhing they want and if you stand up to them then you are wrong. Check out my latest blog about the Cyberbullying Asshat that I encountered online. There is no reason to assume that this creep isn't a jerk in her day to day life. Of course I didn't take it and he got more and more abusive as I detailed in the blog.

    I think you are right that other men should say something to these morons, but they ussually give them a pass. Look, Mel was given a pass with his Jewish rant and this is the next thing that happened. The reality is, that men are not going to say anything especially fi that prson is rich, famous or financially important in some way. Is it survival or is it complicit in the abuse, or is it jsut not giving a damn. I go for as long as it doesn't hurt them, no one really give a damn.

    BTW noone on that thread came to my defense. The only thing that happnened is that some idiot basically wrote, we should all get along and that I was as bad as that bully for standing up for myself-from a woman yet too. That is also why abusers get away with things. Because woman allow them to.

  19. I don't like Mel Gibson now, his Mad Max movie made me very aware to not wasting gas.

    I read your profile. Why are you interested in Aspergers? We have a couple of students with this .


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