When and How to Leave Unhealthy Relationships

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 People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, fear, and even out of a sense of 'loyalty' to their partner. Even in cases where abuse exists; whether it's physical, verbal or stress through constant arguing.  All are damaging!


Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.  Disregarding their own needs or desires because of how they were raised or what they went through in their childhoods.  Such as family abandoning you or another family member  (spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically).  Along with remembering what our parents told us about ourselves, words that are still in our mind and body (many of us are still ill as a result of old words or beliefs). 



I personally know men with unhealthy 'loyalty' issues developed from belief systems instilled in them at an early age.  Such as loyalty to our families no matter what.  Although 'noble' in an age of 'dead beat' dads, it is still very painful to watch these 'good' men and fathers to be unhappy and even suffer at times.

Any belief pattern or conditioning that keeps us 'stuck' and unmoving/growing as a human being is unhealthy for us.  When loyalty to someone is dangerous to our health or well being, it is just wrong in my opinion.  Remember, I've been there and done that.  So I'm talking from personal experience as well as watching friends go through similar situations.

I have several friends, male and female, with unhealthy loyalty perspectives to partners who literally drain the life out of them.  Most suffer from chronic fatigue or a disease developed from the stress, that dis-empowers them physically. 

I've know first hand and it's like air being taken out of the balloon; only it is your energy leaking out until you have nothing left for your self--no healthy boundaries.  Again, as a result of unhealthy loyalty issues they developed from their childhoods. 

Like women, men in unhealthy and unhappy relationships, may feel blue or may not get pleasure from activities they once enjoyed. But a few other things commonly show up in men that may not be recognized as signs and symptoms of problems. 

■ Escapist behavior is the most common.  This includes: spending a lot of time at work, on sports, stalling or avoiding going home, 'over' volunteering to be away from home more, and even living their lives vicariously through on-line resources such as social websites, blogs, etc. etc. etc....

Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women, if and when they do decide to pursue a separation or breakup.  The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances (including giving up at least half of all they have worked hard for), along with the common interruption of the parental role.

The following article explains many of the relationship issues, reasons behind them, where unhealthy loyalty comes from and most importantly, how to get out of an Unhealthy / Unhappy relationship. 

Should You Leave Him (or Her)? How to Know When to Breakup
Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship. Perhaps things aren't great, but they're not too bad either. It's easy to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it's better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this decision, an important question to ask yourself is, "Is this relationship unhealthy?"

Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often characterized by:

- Frequent arguments

- Frequent criticism on either side

- Inability to tolerate the other's personal quirks

- Intolerance of the other's friends or family

- Unfair expectations

- Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners

- Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention

- Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones

- Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion

- Excessive jealousy and mistrust (they assume, over-react and blow everything out of proportion)

- Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem

- One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies

- Few, if any, mutual friends

- One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things

- Excessive clingy-ness

- One or both partners feels as if they are "walking on eggshells" much of the time

- Difficulty discussing feelings

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and just represents some of the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it's time to end it. If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to breakup is even more urgent.

People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, or a sense of loyalty to their partner (even in cases where abuse exists). Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.

Why Can't You Leave?

Relationships are a choice. Or at least, they should be. Sometimes, we realize that a relationship is no longer working, but we stay anyway. There are many reasons why people stay stuck in relationships they no longer want, including:
* Guilt -- You can't bear the thought of hurting our partner

* Loyalty -- You've invested so much and have a long history with them, even if it's a bad history

* Misplaced priorities -- You feel that your partner's needs are more important than your own

* Expectations - - You don't want to disappoint your family or your partner's family by breaking up

* Financial or logistical reasons -- You don't have the money to leave, you live together, or you have a child together (sometimes a good reason to maintain a relationship, but not always)

* He or she will "freak out" -- You fear your partner's reaction to the news

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you probably need to leave. That doesn't mean disregarding commitments and responsibilities, but you should never feel trapped in a life you don't want.  All relationships require some amount of sacrifice, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.     Author: Michael Freeman 
Read more: www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles

If you want to leave your partner but have too much fear and anxiety at the thought of breaking up, there is help. Check out the links below.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.

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Should you leave him/her? How to know when to breakup.
Why Battered Men Stay in Abusive Relationships
Children Need their Dads too!
Single Dad Financial Help.com
Mediation Services
mayoclinic/male-depression
The Violence of Verbal Abuse
Living a Lie
When to Help a Friend and When to Walk Away
What STRESS Does to Us
Should Unhappy Parents Stay Together
Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons

I recently read the book "Falling in Love for All Right Reasons" by Neil Clark Warren. He is the co-founder of eHarmony. He goes through the 29 dimensions of relationship compatibility. The main characterizes are in regards to values, character, mindset, temperament, and attitudes toward parenting.

Nowhere in the 29 dimensions does he mention either age or location. Yet most people pick someone to be in a relationship with based on one or both of those 2 things. Location especially seems to be a top priority for many people, just because it’s easier and more convenient.

I have always thought that after high school or 21, that age is just a number. So it was extremely interesting that age was also not one of the 29 dimensions.

The men I've dated have been a variety of ages. With none of them has age ever been a determination of their maturity, respect for others, values or morals.. In fact in my experience, age has nothing to do the character of a person or their compatibility to anyone.

The book is very good and I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to understand relationships and why some couples last and why some end up being polar opposites and get divorced.  Which is ok in my oppion, becasue I beleive people have a right to be happy.

So find the right person for you, fall in love for all the right reasons and above all "Be Happy"!
"Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons" by Neil Clark Warren.

Should Unhappy Parents stay together for their Children? I say No...

My childhood was full of fighting, yelling, name calling and constant turmoil.  My parents were polar opposites who should have never been married, let alone stayed together 'for the kids'.  My dad was a good provider and a kind man, but he had a 'weekend' drinking problem sometimes.  My mother was just very unhappy, and that's what I remember most about her growing up.  At the time I didn't understand why she was so unhappy, but now I do.  I wish my parents had gotten divorced and been happy.

There has always been a Hugh debate on whether parents should stay together for their children.   

A recent on-line discussion at Fluther.com Should a couple ever stay together for the kids? has dozens of people giving their opinions and own stories. Few seem to feel that parents should stay together and most stories tell of unhappy childhoods and relationship problems later as a result.

Another website with opposite stories and opinions, is on the Daily Mail Do parents who stay together cause their children more harm? I wish my parents had divorced. I can totally relate to the first story and although the second author has a positive twist, I still don't feel she was better off.

I know many people who have experienced the damage themselves, as either children raised in unhappy homes or as parents who have experienced living in an unhappy marriage. I personally have experienced both. It's a cycle I finally broke and thankfully learned from.

Unfortunately many couples stay together for money reasons above all else. While money concerns are real, all the money in the world cannot make up for lack of 'peace' in a home.

I personally feel that unhappy parents should not stay together for their children. It's a proven fact that children who either hear verbal fighting and/or see physical fighting; have significant emotional and psychological damage; effecting many aspects in their life; especially their future relationships.

In my own personal experience, it caused much more damage than good. My parents stayed together because of money, and the effects on my self-esteem and relationship issues were horrific.  As an adult, I ended up in several controlling, abusive and dysfunctional relationships.  It took me a long time to overcome the anxiety and negative influences of seeing, hearing and experiencing the drama and even traumatic experiences that I was taught as a child, were normal and OK.

I now realize that people in these situations want to 'believe' those things, because the don't see a way out and justifying, making excuses and believing what they choose to, is one way they 'cope' and get through each day.

I remember after my own divorce, the feeling of 'calm' in the house and how my sons were more relaxed and happier.  My only regret was not giving my children a 'peaceful' home sooner than I did, because even 8 years later, I can still see the negative effects of exposing them to the drama they heard and saw for far too long.  I regret that more than anything else in my life.

More on this subject:
Staying for the kids sake
Can Unhappy Parents Raise Happy Children?
Together for the kids
Living a Lie

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms

Finding that 'ONE' right man.

After my divorce several years ago, I started meeting new friends and going out.  I quickly rememembered why I didn’t date much in high school.  Because dating can be uncomfortible and even scary at times. 

In the last 5 years I have dated quite a bit. Most have only been 1st dates, where I knew right away they were not the ‘ONE’ I was looking for. So I didn’t accept another date. Others I thought could be, so I went on a few more dates. I then either realized I didn’t feel what I should. Or I saw red flags, and RAN!

At times I’ve been told that I don’t give even the nice guys a chance. So I've gone on some second dates, just to make sure they were not the ‘One’. But that has never changed my initial intuition or gut feeling.  It has only confused and hurt some good men. Which is never my intention and I always feel bad when that happens.

I dated one man who was very nice, but who lived 2 hours away.  At that time in my life, I didn’t have the strength or energy for a long distance relationship. Another man I dated a few times seemed very nice at first.  I quickly realized that he was controlling and manipultive.  He just didn't want to be alone and wanted someone to take care of him.  Actually, I've met more than a few men like that the last 5 years.

Several other men I briefly went out with were very angry and bitter toward their ex-wives or girlfriends. I don’t want someone who is angry or bitter.  Life is too short for that.  So I knew right away that none of them were the 'one' for me either.

Then of course there were the smooth, sweet talking men who were only after one thing. These men were all very self-centered with little or no real respect for women. They go from one pretty flower to the next with no intention of building a lasting relationship. These types of men get angry when a woman wants to wait until she is sure where the relationship is going.  Men like this are never the 'one' for any women.  This is why all women should have ‘rules’ or standards if you will.  Having standards gets rid of men like this very quickly.

I believe there should be more depth and meaning in a relationship than just self gratification and living in the moment. ~ “If you’re not worth the wait, it’s a sure sign they are NOT the ‘ONE’!” ~Me

Another complaint I've heard is that I’m too picky.  I disagree with that perspective too.  It's not that I'm too critical.  It's that I know exactly what qualities I’m looking for in a man.  There is a difference!  In the past I have lacked self-esteem and almost settled for less than what I deserve.  So a few years ago I raised the bar.  Since then some men have argued that my ‘bar’ is set too darn high! My response to that is ‘it’s about time’!

I’m an extremely passionate person, with emotions that run very deep.  That is who I am!  I want to be with someone who appreciates those characteristics and truely understands me! Someone with similar beliefs, family values and a positive attitude!  A man with the same heart and soul as myself, if at all possible.  I’m waiting for that ‘ONE’!

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~Sam Keen

Children need their Dads too!

I’ve seen two very heartbreaking scenarios regarding dads of divorce and their children. One is with my youngest son, who wanted nothing more in this world than to have his father’s love. Only to be rejected and hurt time and again. He wanted weekend visits, but he wasn’t welcome. He would call with no answer. No birthday cards, no Christmas presents. No visits, no phone calls, no contact for 4 years. It was so painful for him and nothing I did helped get through to his dad. He was angry with me over the divorce and with many excuses; he took it out on our son.

On the other side, I know of wonderful, devoted, loving dads who want to be as involved in their children’s lives as physically possible. They are just as much a parent as any mother is. However, these same great men have been denied the access, physically and emotionally to their own children. The motives of these children’s mothers are usually to punish and hurt an ex-husband or boyfriend. However the children are the ones who are ultimately hurt the most. In my opinion it is just plain spiteful, selfish and cruel. I have never understood these women.

I could never deny my children of their father’s love. In fact, I have always encouraged visitation, shared holidays, phone calls, any contact because I felt they needed and were lucky to have both parents. I wouldn’t think of not inviting or welcoming my child’s dad to a school function or activity. It’s the right thing to do. I feel we need to treat people the way we would want to be treated if the situation were reversed.

It meant the world to my youngest son when his dad came to his high school graduation this past year. He hadn’t seen him in 4 years. I could have been bitter and bad mouthed or not made him or his family feel welcome. But I would never do that, instead I was very appreciative of them coming and should have been. They came for my son and it made him very happy. That’s what matters!

If I would not have had the right attitude or treated them well, then why would my ex-husband want to have a relationship with his son, if he had to deal with an angry, spiteful ex-wife every time? Right or wrong, I am sure that is why some men just give up trying and walk away. If I had acted badly, my son would have only been hurt again and this time it would have been completely my fault.

I wish some mothers, and fathers too, would see the damage they cause their children, when they make it difficult for the other parent to be involved in their lives. Children can never have too many people love them. And if a child has 2 parents that can be involved in their lives, they are very lucky. Ask any child who has lost a parent or a parent who has lost their spouse and now raising their children alone.

"Children can't never have too many people who love them in their lives. Don't deny them of that love out of anger or bitterness." - Coreen Trost @ VelvetOverSteel.blogspot.com

Pushing Buttons in Relationships

When we’ve known someone for a long time, we know the good and bad; mistakes and challenges of each other. And unfortunately in times of conflict, we know what buttons to push with that information. The person I discussed this with recently is someone I see only with a heart of gold. So I found it hard to believe that he had ever done anything wrong that someone close could 'push a button' with him. But then I realized that we all make mistakes that we regret, no matter how good a person we are. I certainly have and I think I’m a good person.

I thought back on my marriage and remembered things I’d seen differently back then. Of course I knew the buttons that he pushed with me; the ones that cut me to the core at times. But I didn’t see at the time what buttons I pushed with him. After our divorce, I remember my ex-husband telling me, during a calm conversation, that I could never get over the mistakes he’d made in the beginning of our relationship and reminded him of those whenever I was extremely mad or upset. He was right! I knew it then, but thought it was still his fault because he had made those mistakes. Six years later, going through what I have and finally having my emotions under control, I see things in a whole new way. It didn’t matter how many times he said he was sorry, or what he did to try and make up for those mistakes, I was still hurt and angry. I obviously hadn’t truly forgiven him or gotten over it.

There were other problems in our marriage that triggered the conflicts that lead to ‘pushing each other’s buttons’ and ultimately our divorce. But we still didn’t fight fair and caused unnecessary pain and heartache. I imagine that most couples don’t realize what they are doing in the heat of the moment.

I think the key to stop ‘pushing buttons’ is to truly forgive each other. In my own life, the first person I had to forgive first was ME, for my mistakes. After I did that I was able to forgive the people I felt had hurt me and finally move on.