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All post and stories are the sole property of Velvet Over Steel aka Coreen Trost. I write and create post in order to help others, so share as you want. I just ask that you link back or give VOS credit. Some of the stories are going into a book in progress. Thank You ALL.. for your support and help!!
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams

Saturday, February 5, 2011

When and How to Leave Unhealthy Relationships
 People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, fear, and even out of a sense of 'loyalty' to their partner. Even in cases where abuse exists; whether it's physical, verbal or stress through constant arguing.  All are damaging!

Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.  Disregarding their own needs or desires because of how they were raised or what they went through in their childhoods.  Such as family abandoning you or another family member  (spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically).  Along with remembering what our parents told us about ourselves, words that are still in our mind and body (many of us are still ill as a result of old words or beliefs). 

I personally know men with unhealthy 'loyalty' issues developed from belief systems instilled in them at an early age.  Such as loyalty to our families no matter what.  Although 'noble' in an age of 'dead beat' dads, it is still very painful to watch these 'good' men and fathers to be unhappy and even suffer at times.

Any belief pattern or conditioning that keeps us 'stuck' and unmoving/growing as a human being is unhealthy for us.  When loyalty to someone is dangerous to our health or well being, it is just wrong in my opinion.  Remember, I've been there and done that.  So I'm talking from personal experience as well as watching friends go through similar situations.

I have several friends, male and female, with unhealthy loyalty perspectives to partners who literally drain the life out of them.  Most suffer from chronic fatigue or a disease developed from the stress, that dis-empowers them physically. 

I've know first hand and it's like air being taken out of the balloon; only it is your energy leaking out until you have nothing left for your self--no healthy boundaries.  Again, as a result of unhealthy loyalty issues they developed from their childhoods. 

Like women, men in unhealthy and unhappy relationships, may feel blue or may not get pleasure from activities they once enjoyed. But a few other things commonly show up in men that may not be recognized as signs and symptoms of problems. 

Escapist behavior is the most common.  This includes: spending a lot of time at work, on sports, stalling or avoiding going home, 'over' volunteering to be away from home more, and even living their lives vicariously through on-line resources such as social websites, blogs, etc. etc. etc....

Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women, if and when they do decide to pursue a separation or breakup.  The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances (including giving up at least half of all they have worked hard for), along with the common interruption of the parental role.

The following article explains many of the relationship issues, reasons behind them, where unhealthy loyalty comes from and most importantly, how to get out of an Unhealthy / Unhappy relationship. 

Should You Leave Him (or Her)? How to Know When to Breakup
Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship. Perhaps things aren't great, but they're not too bad either. It's easy to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it's better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this decision, an important question to ask yourself is, "Is this relationship unhealthy?"

Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often characterized by:

- Frequent arguments

- Frequent criticism on either side

- Inability to tolerate the other's personal quirks

- Intolerance of the other's friends or family

- Unfair expectations

- Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners

- Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention

- Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones

- Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion

- Excessive jealousy and mistrust (they assume, over-react and blow everything out of proportion)

- Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem

- One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies

- Few, if any, mutual friends

- One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things

- Excessive clingy-ness

- One or both partners feels as if they are "walking on eggshells" much of the time

- Difficulty discussing feelings

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and just represents some of the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it's time to end it. If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to breakup is even more urgent.

People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, or a sense of loyalty to their partner (even in cases where abuse exists). Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.

Why Can't You Leave?

Relationships are a choice. Or at least, they should be. Sometimes, we realize that a relationship is no longer working, but we stay anyway. There are many reasons why people stay stuck in relationships they no longer want, including:
* Guilt -- You can't bear the thought of hurting our partner

* Loyalty -- You've invested so much and have a long history with them, even if it's a bad history

* Misplaced priorities -- You feel that your partner's needs are more important than your own

* Expectations - - You don't want to disappoint your family or your partner's family by breaking up

* Financial or logistical reasons -- You don't have the money to leave, you live together, or you have a child together (sometimes a good reason to maintain a relationship, but not always)

* He or she will "freak out" -- You fear your partner's reaction to the news

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you probably need to leave. That doesn't mean disregarding commitments and responsibilities, but you should never feel trapped in a life you don't want.  All relationships require some amount of sacrifice, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.     Author: Michael Freeman 
Read more:

If you want to leave your partner but have too much fear and anxiety at the thought of breaking up, there is help. Check out the links below.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.

Should you leave him/her? How to know when to breakup.
Why Battered Men Stay in Abusive Relationships
Children Need their Dads too!
Single Dad Financial
Mediation Services
The Violence of Verbal Abuse
Living a Lie
When to Help a Friend and When to Walk Away
What STRESS Does to Us
Should Unhappy Parents Stay Together
Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms

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  1. This is an awesome post. May really hit home for some. I could not be with someone who was not my friend and that I did not feel comfort and security with. I have seen as you mentioned people stay in these relationships...really they are truly hurting themselves and wasting more time. Life is too short and precious to do this.
    have a great weekend Coreen X0

  2. Debbie said it BEST.. "They are truly hurting themselves and wasting more time. Life is too short and precious to do this." I lost many years trying to keep my 'family' together and help & be loyal to someone who didn't want to change or be loyal to me back. If you're there right now... move on, worry about yourself for once and be happy!!

  3. I know so many who will benefit from this post.
    Thank God, I'm not one of them, as my wife and I are both very happy.

  4. Nine yrs after I was widowed I met a "Charming" gentleman, everything I thought would be a second chance of happiness for me.
    All went well, we moved in together......I didn't want to remarry, then he retired, I then saw a completely different person, very violent and the bruises my children saw made me ashamed I could be taken in. My son who lives in Spain said if you ever come over here don't bring him, however I saw the light and moved out before it got any worse.
    I may at times be lonely but I have peace of mind......something money can't but,

  5. I identify with staying loyal because your history together dates back too long. THAT was the best line in this post for me. I'm taking back a lesson from here.

    I hope everyone who reads this gets the message from here. It's about time they did!

  6. This is a tough topic for me - I find I try to remove or not be too close to toxic people - but some you just can't.


  7. I had no idea this affected very many men! I usually think of women stuck in something like this, with the man running around on them. I guess you learn something new every day!

  8. This is a very informative post, never thought of men either?? I am sure it will help many

  9. this is a great article...and so true...there are pressures by others and their ideals that come into play as well...ugh

  10. I have a friend who needs to not only read this post, but follow through with it. She always makes excuses......

  11. well done but so sad that so many families break up as well....have a blessed Sunday!

  12. Excellent info here Coreen. Appreciate you taking the time to share with your readers important facts on abuse. Blessings.

  13. It is unfortunate that you can't tell someone to leave a relationship; they have to make up their own mind that it is the right thing to do.

    I think "loyalty issues" are a cover for being too scared for the change of leaving a relationship. I think that people can be dishonest with themselves about what is going on and make all sorts of excuses to stay. I know that I've done that myself. But every time a person is not honest with themself about the situation and puts up with abusive behavior they are weakening their own integrity. If something is wrong. It is wrong. Tolerating it condones it. And that is wrong, too.

    The natural consequence of someone abusing you is that you should leave them and not enable them to abuse you any further. The natural consequence of someone neglecting a relationship is that the relationship falls apart. To try to keep relationships alive when you are being abused and neglected goes against all the natural laws of the universe and throws everything, including yourself, out of balance. You cannot have happiness without honesty. Leaving a bad relationship is the most honest thing you can do. It is also the only way to clear the path for happiness in your life.

    Too bad things aren't this clear to people in abusive relationships.

  14. if you are also seeking for help to get your lover back? call +15036626930 or email


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