Stop Justifying their actions...it only enables them.

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"Truth never needs to Justify itself." ~Glenn Curtis Maddox 

Stop justifying what someone else does.  When we do this (and we all do at times) we're actually just making excuses for their behavior, actions, in-actions and the choices they're making in their life.

Justifying or making excuses, doesn't help anyone in the long run.  Only enabling them to continue what they're doing; keeping them from taking responsibility for their own actions.

Those actions or lack of action, behavior and/or choices can go two ways.  They can be someone who for example be: manipulative, unstable, irrational, or dishonest.  Or they can be the person who puts up with a toxic person or situation.

Either way; it's that person's choice and they need to take responsibility the role they play.  Justifying either behavior, only enables them to continue to make excuses and push blame away from themselves.

I have justified actions and enabled a friend more than once over the past few years.  Believing that I needed to help them because I understood, and had great empathy because I'd been in a similar situation once.  Only recently have I realized that I've probably done more harm than good.

It's certainly OK to offer help and friendship to someone; however if they don't change their situation or circumstances, I feel it's best to step back.  Sometimes we're too close to someone and want to believe they need us, that we don't see the situation realistically.

After being honest with myself; I could finally see that I was justifying their choices and making excuses for their choices, behavior and not being honest.  So many times I thought they were getting stronger and closer to choosing a better life.

I now know that a person being treated badly, must also take responsibility for allowing it or for staying in a toxic situation; before they can move on and finally allow themselves to choose happiness over misery.

Justifying their actions only seemed to give them a 'free pass', enabling them to escape any responsibility for their own in-action and choices.  I now feel I've allowed them to use my friendship and support as a sort of ER whenever their wounds are once again torn open and they need another band-aid to stop the oozing and numb the pain to get them through... until the next time things fall apart or are unbearable; then returning for another band-aid... over and over again.

Even blog post that I thought were bringing strength, hope and direction seemed to have been nothing more than a type of Prozac to comfort them temporarily.  Once again to only get them through another day or week.  Not all that I'd hoped I was doing for my friend.

At least now I know the truth and realize my mistakes.  After these recent revelations, I've significantly changed how I handle people and will view friendships from now on.  My focus is still on helping others through my writing, blog and interactions; however I've learned to set boundaries earlier and move on without regret.  Once again, you can't help someone, who's not ready to help them-self yet.      

"Every reason they give is a cognitive distortion."  But they rationalize their actions to cope with the situation they find themselves in.   

These rationalizations are cognitive distortions that allow them to act on their impulses, and there are as many rationalizations as there are manipulated, manipulators, abused or abusers. ~Sarah Paquette

Manipulative People: Confessions of a Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

Stop Explaining. Stop Justifying. Stop Talking. Boundaries Are Upheld With Action

I know the following quote is harsh; yet it is so true...

"Hitler's dictatorship rested on the constitutional foundation of a single law, the Enabling Law." ~Alan Bullock

When and How to Leave Unhealthy Relationships

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 People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, fear, and even out of a sense of 'loyalty' to their partner. Even in cases where abuse exists; whether it's physical, verbal or stress through constant arguing.  All are damaging!


Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.  Disregarding their own needs or desires because of how they were raised or what they went through in their childhoods.  Such as family abandoning you or another family member  (spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically).  Along with remembering what our parents told us about ourselves, words that are still in our mind and body (many of us are still ill as a result of old words or beliefs). 



I personally know men with unhealthy 'loyalty' issues developed from belief systems instilled in them at an early age.  Such as loyalty to our families no matter what.  Although 'noble' in an age of 'dead beat' dads, it is still very painful to watch these 'good' men and fathers to be unhappy and even suffer at times.

Any belief pattern or conditioning that keeps us 'stuck' and unmoving/growing as a human being is unhealthy for us.  When loyalty to someone is dangerous to our health or well being, it is just wrong in my opinion.  Remember, I've been there and done that.  So I'm talking from personal experience as well as watching friends go through similar situations.

I have several friends, male and female, with unhealthy loyalty perspectives to partners who literally drain the life out of them.  Most suffer from chronic fatigue or a disease developed from the stress, that dis-empowers them physically. 

I've know first hand and it's like air being taken out of the balloon; only it is your energy leaking out until you have nothing left for your self--no healthy boundaries.  Again, as a result of unhealthy loyalty issues they developed from their childhoods. 

Like women, men in unhealthy and unhappy relationships, may feel blue or may not get pleasure from activities they once enjoyed. But a few other things commonly show up in men that may not be recognized as signs and symptoms of problems. 

■ Escapist behavior is the most common.  This includes: spending a lot of time at work, on sports, stalling or avoiding going home, 'over' volunteering to be away from home more, and even living their lives vicariously through on-line resources such as social websites, blogs, etc. etc. etc....

Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women, if and when they do decide to pursue a separation or breakup.  The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances (including giving up at least half of all they have worked hard for), along with the common interruption of the parental role.

The following article explains many of the relationship issues, reasons behind them, where unhealthy loyalty comes from and most importantly, how to get out of an Unhealthy / Unhappy relationship. 

Should You Leave Him (or Her)? How to Know When to Breakup
Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship. Perhaps things aren't great, but they're not too bad either. It's easy to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it's better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this decision, an important question to ask yourself is, "Is this relationship unhealthy?"

Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often characterized by:

- Frequent arguments

- Frequent criticism on either side

- Inability to tolerate the other's personal quirks

- Intolerance of the other's friends or family

- Unfair expectations

- Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners

- Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention

- Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones

- Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion

- Excessive jealousy and mistrust (they assume, over-react and blow everything out of proportion)

- Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem

- One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies

- Few, if any, mutual friends

- One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things

- Excessive clingy-ness

- One or both partners feels as if they are "walking on eggshells" much of the time

- Difficulty discussing feelings

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and just represents some of the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it's time to end it. If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to breakup is even more urgent.

People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, or a sense of loyalty to their partner (even in cases where abuse exists). Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner's benefit.

Why Can't You Leave?

Relationships are a choice. Or at least, they should be. Sometimes, we realize that a relationship is no longer working, but we stay anyway. There are many reasons why people stay stuck in relationships they no longer want, including:
* Guilt -- You can't bear the thought of hurting our partner

* Loyalty -- You've invested so much and have a long history with them, even if it's a bad history

* Misplaced priorities -- You feel that your partner's needs are more important than your own

* Expectations - - You don't want to disappoint your family or your partner's family by breaking up

* Financial or logistical reasons -- You don't have the money to leave, you live together, or you have a child together (sometimes a good reason to maintain a relationship, but not always)

* He or she will "freak out" -- You fear your partner's reaction to the news

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you probably need to leave. That doesn't mean disregarding commitments and responsibilities, but you should never feel trapped in a life you don't want.  All relationships require some amount of sacrifice, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.     Author: Michael Freeman 
Read more: www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles

If you want to leave your partner but have too much fear and anxiety at the thought of breaking up, there is help. Check out the links below.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.

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Should you leave him/her? How to know when to breakup.
Why Battered Men Stay in Abusive Relationships
Children Need their Dads too!
Single Dad Financial Help.com
Mediation Services
mayoclinic/male-depression
The Violence of Verbal Abuse
Living a Lie
When to Help a Friend and When to Walk Away
What STRESS Does to Us
Should Unhappy Parents Stay Together
Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

The Narcissistic Co-dependent Marriage/Relationship Symptoms

Waiting to be Saved

There have been many times in my life where I 'waited to be saved'.  For someone to come along and take care of things for me.  From getting out of my marriage, a bad relationship afterwards, previous jobs, my house, the list goes on and on.

I learned a while back that only I can take care of 'my own' situations.  Only I can decide on what I allow into my life and how I am going to deal with those situations or people.  I had to learn to take care of myself and not expect someone else to take care of things for me.

I made a lot of excuses when I stayed in my marriage as long as I did.  Fear, money and even my children.  Who were more well adjusted and happier after the fighting stopped.  I waited for someone to come along; get me out of these situations and basically 'save' me.  Like the Prince coming to save Snow White.

The truth was I was afraid of the unknown.  Would I be able to take care of myself and my children financially?  Would I be able to keep the house?  I even worried if I would find someone better suited for me later?  Worry never solves anything.  Only action can change things!

Those things were, in my own personal situation, after the real fear and constant dramas and fighting.  None the less, that fear of the unknown stops many people from doing what they know in their heart they need to do.  Not only for themselves, but for their children.  I used the excuse many times that I stayed for my children.  Even back then, I knew it was a poor excuse.

I have to admit that back then, and for a long time afterwards, my self-esteem was very low.  My soul was damaged and 'tired' from all the stress and drama as well.  I think in those situations that is why it is hard for many of us to stand up for ourselves.  That is why we hope and pray that someone will come along and take care of our situations for us.  Initially saving us!  Nice wish, unfortunately things don't work out in 'real life' that easily.

I had to first get my confidence back; building my self-esteem back up one step at a time.  Anything faster is just a temporary fluctuation, in my opinion.  It takes time to find out who you really are again.  It takes time to accept your losses, both emotionally and financially in some cases, in order to heal and move on.  That's a perfectly understandable and a normal process. 

I realized that no one else could take care of me, or fix my situations.  I needed to learn to take care of things myself.  I knew deep down I could take care of my children, I needed to also know I could take care of ME!  I found out over the last 6 years that I am stronger, and more capable of taking care of situations and myself than I ever imagined.

The very first and most important change I made was taking responsibility for my own actions.  Accepting the roles I played in those relationships and situations.  Admitting the choices I made and accepting responsibility for my own life.  The second change was finally forgiving myself for my mistakes; learning from them and moving on each time.  I now see the lessons each situation taught me.  To me the 'life lessons' we can learn in each 'life experience', is more valuable than anything we can learn in a text book.

Taking responsibility and control of my own life has made me happier and the most productive in my life.  Not saying that any of us have complete control of our lives.  That would be impossible unfortunately.

There will always be outside influences and people with 'free will' to impact our lives both positively and negatively.  However, we can choose to take control of the situations and events put before us.  Taking responsibility for our own thoughts, responses and actions is what helps us to have happy and productive lives!

"Accepting responsibility for our own lives, is the only way to be saved by our own selves."~ Coreen Trost @VelvetOverSteel.com