"Truth never needs to Justify itself." ~Glenn Curtis Maddox
Justifying or making excuses, doesn't help anyone in the long run. Only enabling them to continue what they're doing; keeping them from taking responsibility for their own actions.
Those actions or lack of action, behavior and/or choices can go two ways. They can be someone who for example be: manipulative, unstable, irrational, or dishonest. Or they can be the person who puts up with a toxic person or situation.
Either way; it's that person's choice and they need to take responsibility the role they play. Justifying either behavior, only enables them to continue to make excuses and push blame away from themselves.
I have justified actions and enabled a friend more than once over the past few years. Believing that I needed to help them because I understood, and had great empathy because I'd been in a similar situation once. Only recently have I realized that I've probably done more harm than good.
It's certainly OK to offer help and friendship to someone; however if they don't change their situation or circumstances, I feel it's best to step back. Sometimes we're too close to someone and want to believe they need us, that we don't see the situation realistically.
After being honest with myself; I could finally see that I was justifying their choices and making excuses for their choices, behavior and not being honest. So many times I thought they were getting stronger and closer to choosing a better life.
I now know that a person being treated badly, must also take responsibility for allowing it or for staying in a toxic situation; before they can move on and finally allow themselves to choose happiness over misery.
Justifying their actions only seemed to give them a 'free pass', enabling them to escape any responsibility for their own in-action and choices. I now feel I've allowed them to use my friendship and support as a sort of ER whenever their wounds are once again torn open and they need another band-aid to stop the oozing and numb the pain to get them through... until the next time things fall apart or are unbearable; then returning for another band-aid... over and over again.
Even blog post that I thought were bringing strength, hope and direction seemed to have been nothing more than a type of Prozac to comfort them temporarily. Once again to only get them through another day or week. Not all that I'd hoped I was doing for my friend.
At least now I know the truth and realize my mistakes. After these recent revelations, I've significantly changed how I handle people and will view friendships from now on. My focus is still on helping others through my writing, blog and interactions; however I've learned to set boundaries earlier and move on without regret. Once again, you can't help someone, who's not ready to help them-self yet.
"Every reason they give is a cognitive distortion." But they rationalize their actions to cope with the situation they find themselves in.
These rationalizations are cognitive distortions that allow them to act on their impulses, and there are as many rationalizations as there are manipulated, manipulators, abused or abusers. ~Sarah PaquetteManipulative People: Confessions of a Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder
Stop Explaining. Stop Justifying. Stop Talking. Boundaries Are Upheld With Action
I know the following quote is harsh; yet it is so true...
"Hitler's dictatorship rested on the constitutional foundation of a single law, the Enabling Law." ~Alan Bullock