Control vs. Trust - Define your Relationship

In my past, I was married to someone who was very controlling and manipulative.  I tried to understand them, help them, even tried to change them.  But it was a losing battle for many reasons. 

We both had many issues from our childhood's that effected our adult relationships.   I was the weaker one, with low self-esteem.  He was the stronger one with lots of 'trust' issues.  Or lack of trust, so he tried to make up for that with the same abusive tactics that he was raised with.  He demanded his version of respect with manipulation, fear and even force. 

He used the fear that I couldn't take care of my children financially, without him.  He made horrible threats that I don't even want to put into writing at this time.  Too horrendous to even imagine if you weren't there and lived through it.  Which I am grateful and even amazed that I did.  Looking back, it had to be my faith in God and the love for my children that got me through those years. 

Trust has been a Hugh issue for me, from many past relationships all the way back to my childhood.  I was way too trusting and naive most of my life.  Always focusing on the good and ignoring the bad, until it almost took my soul and nearly my life.  It has taken me 5 years to trust my own heart and intuition again.  A long road to a better me and well worth the travel to get here.  I can now see all the needed steps to the life lessons and personal growth I've experienced. 

Now that I'm at this point in my growth, about 2/3 to where I am going to be in the end, I can see and even feel what other people are going through.  At least people I care about and feel connected to for one reason or another.  I worry about them and want to help them.  Even if it's just by understanding what they are going through or being here for them if and when they need a friend, an ear, a hug or all three. 

I would not have made it through all the trials in my life without friends I could trust in my life.  No way!  They were amazing and genuinely cared about me.  They didn't judge, lecture or want anything in return.  They just wanted to help because that is how true friendship should be.  This is the type of friend we should all strive to be.

Below is an article I came across during a search on the subject of controlling relationships and trust.  I thought it was worth sharing.  Some may not 'believe' in the website, I am open minded and believe in the quality of the articles I read here.  To each their own and I would never tell someone else not to believe in something that they feel has helped or guided their own journey and believe in. :-)   If this post and the article can help even one person this weekend; then it was worth the time to write it.  Love and Hope to All of my friends!  ~ Coreen 

Control vs. Trust - Define your love              

Another Great Article is:  Building Trust in Relationships - Relationship Problems on Control

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Rejecting 'Evil' people from our lives!

"Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance." - C.S. Lewis

Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am a ‘people person’ and happiest when I am around other people. Before I moved to Iowa, I felt I made friends easily, where ever I lived or worked. Willing to be friends with almost anyone I met. In fact I truly believed that I could get along with everyone if I tried. I was extremely naïve and way too trusting when I moved from my hometown to someone else’s.

I would say that 99.9% of the people I have met in the last five years are really good people. In fact most people have been extremely nice to both my son and I. That, along with the excellent education for my son, has made us very happy and grateful for most of our experiences here. However for the first time of my life I actually met some truly evil people too. Five years ago I was totally unprepared for the hell I was about to experience. 

At first I tried to see good in them, like I strive to do with everyone I meet. Then I thought maybe I was too sensitive and passive, letting their aggressive, manipulative personalities affect me. I even told myself that I needed to learn to ‘handle’ these pushy, controlling, and negative people in order to better my own people skills. But I didn’t need to deal with any of it. I just needed to walk away, and quickly! What do they say, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’… I totally disagree with that statement!

There was a time not too long ago, when I couldn’t wait to be in social situations. Enjoying every conversation and interaction I felt fortunate enough to be involved in. I seldom worried about saying the wrong thing or having something I said taken out of context for a negative, hurtful purpose. It had never occurred to me that there were people who would twist a conversation around, change emails and lie, to intentionally damage someone’s life.

All from telling lies, spreading viscous gossip, and manipulating situations to suite themselves. The power of the ‘word’ for good and evil is so evident to me after experiencing ‘evil’ individuals first hand.

We all know that God brings good people into our lives! However the devil also brings people into our lives that are ‘evil’. These bitter, selfish souls never see anything wrong with their attitude and justify their horrible actions. That mind set is the most troubling to me and why I don’t want anything to do with them. I have learned to avoid, even reject these ‘evil’ people no matter how much they try to manipulative me into feeling guilty.  Valuable life skills for me to learn.

I have come a long way from the passive, peace keeper of 5 years ago. I think that’s a good thing!
2 great articles on this subject is:
How to Spot Emotional Vampires


Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder