Rejecting 'Evil' people from our lives!

"Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance." - C.S. Lewis

Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am a ‘people person’ and happiest when I am around other people. Before I moved to Iowa, I felt I made friends easily, where ever I lived or worked. Willing to be friends with almost anyone I met. In fact I truly believed that I could get along with everyone if I tried. I was extremely naïve and way too trusting when I moved from my hometown to someone else’s.

I would say that 99.9% of the people I have met in the last five years are really good people. In fact most people have been extremely nice to both my son and I. That, along with the excellent education for my son, has made us very happy and grateful for most of our experiences here. However for the first time of my life I actually met some truly evil people too. Five years ago I was totally unprepared for the hell I was about to experience. 

At first I tried to see good in them, like I strive to do with everyone I meet. Then I thought maybe I was too sensitive and passive, letting their aggressive, manipulative personalities affect me. I even told myself that I needed to learn to ‘handle’ these pushy, controlling, and negative people in order to better my own people skills. But I didn’t need to deal with any of it. I just needed to walk away, and quickly! What do they say, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’… I totally disagree with that statement!

There was a time not too long ago, when I couldn’t wait to be in social situations. Enjoying every conversation and interaction I felt fortunate enough to be involved in. I seldom worried about saying the wrong thing or having something I said taken out of context for a negative, hurtful purpose. It had never occurred to me that there were people who would twist a conversation around, change emails and lie, to intentionally damage someone’s life.

All from telling lies, spreading viscous gossip, and manipulating situations to suite themselves. The power of the ‘word’ for good and evil is so evident to me after experiencing ‘evil’ individuals first hand.

We all know that God brings good people into our lives! However the devil also brings people into our lives that are ‘evil’. These bitter, selfish souls never see anything wrong with their attitude and justify their horrible actions. That mind set is the most troubling to me and why I don’t want anything to do with them. I have learned to avoid, even reject these ‘evil’ people no matter how much they try to manipulative me into feeling guilty.  Valuable life skills for me to learn.

I have come a long way from the passive, peace keeper of 5 years ago. I think that’s a good thing!
2 great articles on this subject is:
How to Spot Emotional Vampires


Manipulative People: Covert Aggressive Personality Disorder

Finding that 'ONE' right man.

After my divorce several years ago, I started meeting new friends and going out.  I quickly rememembered why I didn’t date much in high school.  Because dating can be uncomfortible and even scary at times. 

In the last 5 years I have dated quite a bit. Most have only been 1st dates, where I knew right away they were not the ‘ONE’ I was looking for. So I didn’t accept another date. Others I thought could be, so I went on a few more dates. I then either realized I didn’t feel what I should. Or I saw red flags, and RAN!

At times I’ve been told that I don’t give even the nice guys a chance. So I've gone on some second dates, just to make sure they were not the ‘One’. But that has never changed my initial intuition or gut feeling.  It has only confused and hurt some good men. Which is never my intention and I always feel bad when that happens.

I dated one man who was very nice, but who lived 2 hours away.  At that time in my life, I didn’t have the strength or energy for a long distance relationship. Another man I dated a few times seemed very nice at first.  I quickly realized that he was controlling and manipultive.  He just didn't want to be alone and wanted someone to take care of him.  Actually, I've met more than a few men like that the last 5 years.

Several other men I briefly went out with were very angry and bitter toward their ex-wives or girlfriends. I don’t want someone who is angry or bitter.  Life is too short for that.  So I knew right away that none of them were the 'one' for me either.

Then of course there were the smooth, sweet talking men who were only after one thing. These men were all very self-centered with little or no real respect for women. They go from one pretty flower to the next with no intention of building a lasting relationship. These types of men get angry when a woman wants to wait until she is sure where the relationship is going.  Men like this are never the 'one' for any women.  This is why all women should have ‘rules’ or standards if you will.  Having standards gets rid of men like this very quickly.

I believe there should be more depth and meaning in a relationship than just self gratification and living in the moment. ~ “If you’re not worth the wait, it’s a sure sign they are NOT the ‘ONE’!” ~Me

Another complaint I've heard is that I’m too picky.  I disagree with that perspective too.  It's not that I'm too critical.  It's that I know exactly what qualities I’m looking for in a man.  There is a difference!  In the past I have lacked self-esteem and almost settled for less than what I deserve.  So a few years ago I raised the bar.  Since then some men have argued that my ‘bar’ is set too darn high! My response to that is ‘it’s about time’!

I’m an extremely passionate person, with emotions that run very deep.  That is who I am!  I want to be with someone who appreciates those characteristics and truely understands me! Someone with similar beliefs, family values and a positive attitude!  A man with the same heart and soul as myself, if at all possible.  I’m waiting for that ‘ONE’!

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~Sam Keen

Children need their Dads too!

I’ve seen two very heartbreaking scenarios regarding dads of divorce and their children. One is with my youngest son, who wanted nothing more in this world than to have his father’s love. Only to be rejected and hurt time and again. He wanted weekend visits, but he wasn’t welcome. He would call with no answer. No birthday cards, no Christmas presents. No visits, no phone calls, no contact for 4 years. It was so painful for him and nothing I did helped get through to his dad. He was angry with me over the divorce and with many excuses; he took it out on our son.

On the other side, I know of wonderful, devoted, loving dads who want to be as involved in their children’s lives as physically possible. They are just as much a parent as any mother is. However, these same great men have been denied the access, physically and emotionally to their own children. The motives of these children’s mothers are usually to punish and hurt an ex-husband or boyfriend. However the children are the ones who are ultimately hurt the most. In my opinion it is just plain spiteful, selfish and cruel. I have never understood these women.

I could never deny my children of their father’s love. In fact, I have always encouraged visitation, shared holidays, phone calls, any contact because I felt they needed and were lucky to have both parents. I wouldn’t think of not inviting or welcoming my child’s dad to a school function or activity. It’s the right thing to do. I feel we need to treat people the way we would want to be treated if the situation were reversed.

It meant the world to my youngest son when his dad came to his high school graduation this past year. He hadn’t seen him in 4 years. I could have been bitter and bad mouthed or not made him or his family feel welcome. But I would never do that, instead I was very appreciative of them coming and should have been. They came for my son and it made him very happy. That’s what matters!

If I would not have had the right attitude or treated them well, then why would my ex-husband want to have a relationship with his son, if he had to deal with an angry, spiteful ex-wife every time? Right or wrong, I am sure that is why some men just give up trying and walk away. If I had acted badly, my son would have only been hurt again and this time it would have been completely my fault.

I wish some mothers, and fathers too, would see the damage they cause their children, when they make it difficult for the other parent to be involved in their lives. Children can never have too many people love them. And if a child has 2 parents that can be involved in their lives, they are very lucky. Ask any child who has lost a parent or a parent who has lost their spouse and now raising their children alone.

"Children can't never have too many people who love them in their lives. Don't deny them of that love out of anger or bitterness." - Coreen Trost @ VelvetOverSteel.blogspot.com

Pushing Buttons in Relationships

When we’ve known someone for a long time, we know the good and bad; mistakes and challenges of each other. And unfortunately in times of conflict, we know what buttons to push with that information. The person I discussed this with recently is someone I see only with a heart of gold. So I found it hard to believe that he had ever done anything wrong that someone close could 'push a button' with him. But then I realized that we all make mistakes that we regret, no matter how good a person we are. I certainly have and I think I’m a good person.

I thought back on my marriage and remembered things I’d seen differently back then. Of course I knew the buttons that he pushed with me; the ones that cut me to the core at times. But I didn’t see at the time what buttons I pushed with him. After our divorce, I remember my ex-husband telling me, during a calm conversation, that I could never get over the mistakes he’d made in the beginning of our relationship and reminded him of those whenever I was extremely mad or upset. He was right! I knew it then, but thought it was still his fault because he had made those mistakes. Six years later, going through what I have and finally having my emotions under control, I see things in a whole new way. It didn’t matter how many times he said he was sorry, or what he did to try and make up for those mistakes, I was still hurt and angry. I obviously hadn’t truly forgiven him or gotten over it.

There were other problems in our marriage that triggered the conflicts that lead to ‘pushing each other’s buttons’ and ultimately our divorce. But we still didn’t fight fair and caused unnecessary pain and heartache. I imagine that most couples don’t realize what they are doing in the heat of the moment.

I think the key to stop ‘pushing buttons’ is to truly forgive each other. In my own life, the first person I had to forgive first was ME, for my mistakes. After I did that I was able to forgive the people I felt had hurt me and finally move on.

Great blog from a mom of 2 Asperger children..

Mom to 2 Asperger Kids

What's wrong with my son? Part I

My youngest son was born 10 weeks premature. I was told it was normal to be developmentally delayed the first year. However something never seems quite right. At age 2, he still wasn’t talking. I had him tested numerous times for hearing loss. That wasn’t the cause. Our local school district started providing speech therapy. He started talking by the time he was 3.

Several other developmental delays were still evident. As well as sever sensitivity to stimuli of any type; noises, smells, too many people. We went to numerous doctors and had dozens of test done. No one seemed to understand what was exactly wrong.

My son started attending a special education preschool in a neighboring town 15 miles away. While there, what appeared to be behavioral issues started to emerge. The teachers were convinced that he had ADHD and requested testing. I had no experience with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. The test came back agreeing with the teachers and medication was recommended. Although I did not like the idea giving him medication, I had to agree that he seemed a little out of control at times. I also wanted him be more cooperative and do well at school.


At age 5 he started kindergarten. His teacher was a dear friend. She was wonderful with him and he had a good year. In first grade, everything changed. The teacher had preconceived notions and never saw past them. My son couldn’t seem to do anything right to please her. Classmates were allowed to tease and bully my son and he didn’t want to go to school anymore. It was a horrible year.

An IQ test done in preschool showed that he was indeed very smart in some areas. Math always came very easily for him and still does. He could play Nintendo at age 3, even before he talked well. And he could create anything with lego and knex building toys. However there were significant learning difficulties in reading and writing; major elements in education.

The next 4 years were spent trying to find answers and help for my son. My main concern was getting him an education. We tried special schools and tutors until the age of 11. That is when a new doctor changed his medications that spun him out of control. He did not have ADHD after all. A 2 day hospital stay was needed to take him off medications, a very scary experience for us both.

Soon after, a highly recommended doctor finally had a new patient opening. She was the answer to my prayers. The head of developmental pediatrics at Monroe-Meyer Institute, she had him tested differently than ever before. The diagnosis was Asperger Syndrome; commonly referred to as High Functioning Autism. We finally had answers and an ally to work with our home school district on ways to help him learn. It was the help we needed for a fresh start. At least we hoped…………..

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a story inside of them. Some more than others, depending on a person's life experiences. Those stories, events in our lives, are what eventually make up what I call our 'emotional' DNA.

The title of my blog is from a very dear friend who knows a lot of my life 'stories'. She knows what I have been through and the adversities that I have overcome. She tells me that I am 'Velvet over Steel' and reminds of that whenever my spirits need a boost.

My hope is that this blog and the stories I plan to tell will help people. To 'boost' someones spirits and help encourage others to tell their stories. Everyone has at least a few stories that have greatly influenced their lives. Sharing our stories can help those in 'emotional' need to realize that they are not alone in what they are going through. Everyone wants to be understood.

Remember that when you meet someone in a familiar 'emotional' need, God probably put you in that situation so you can share 'your' story! We need to help each other emotionally as well as physically in times of trial.