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All post and stories are the sole property of Velvet Over Steel aka Coreen Trost. I write and create post in order to help others, so share as you want. I just ask that you link back or give VOS credit. Some of the stories are going into a book in progress. Thank You ALL.. for your support and help!!
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Leave Them Even Though You’re Still in Love... By Carmen Honacker

This article is by Carmen Honacker and is re-posted from California Psychics Blog.  No matter what you do or do not believe, their articles are extremely good and help many people.  Check out Carmen's Blog for more powerful post. Or one of her freelance post on the C.P. Blog!  Carmen is a survivor, author, mentor, Hugh inspiration and now a Great friend!

Years ago, I received a phone call late at night from a friend who asked if I could pick her up from a gas station in Hollywood. She was stranded there, after her boyfriend had hit her and kicked her out of the car. What followed were another three years of abuse in which he broke her nose twice, ruined her credit, threatened to kill her, and got her arrested. Each time I tried to interfere, she would tell me “but I love him.” It was heartbreaking for me, because I, too, had used the same reason to stay in relationships with guys who were clearly no good for me or downright abusive. After all, I am my mother’s daughter, and she taught me that it was ok to be abused, neglected, cheated on and broken by someone who “loves” you. We all know that cycles have a way of repeating themselves.

I remember spending year after year, or month after month with narcissistic, sociopathic, selfish, dishonest and cold-hearted guys, because I wanted to “love the bad out of them.” I had learned as a child that I was worthless; that no one would ever stand up for me or protect me, so I decided to do for others what no one had done for me! In my opinion, everyone was a good person deep down inside, and I was the one who would bring it out of them. Time and time again, I fell in love with “potential” and the illusion of what could be, versus the reality of what actually was and would be!

I have an amazing imagination, and I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to pay any attention to me or love me, that my heart was up for grabs – and not for the highest bidder, but any bidder! All one had to do was show up. I wouldn’t even censor. I firmly believed that everyone is a good person, and that some just hid their “goodness” from the world because they had been hurt so much/endured bad things; some, apparently, have to hide it really, really deep down inside! So no matter what heartless stunt was pulled, I generally still stuck around. I would focus on “the good sides” and imagine whatever I wanted, which was much easier than facing the bleak reality of how unloved I truly felt. I thought that if I could prove my love, loyalty and devotion enough, he’d sooner or later stop being the jerk that he was. It never even occurred to me that I had absolutely no power over another person’s actions or choices! It never occurred to me that some people will never learn, have no desire to change, and are truly selfish or simply dishonest. In my mind, it was always my fault that another was behaving the way they did; which meant that I had control over it!

I can highly recommend two tools that worked to rewire my “hard-drive”; cognitive behavioral therapy and hypnotherapy. Neither one necessarily requires that you have to lay down on the couch of a therapist and talk about your “sad stories.” Instead, even if you’re not willing to dig into the deepest, darkest secrets of your past, a good therapist will still be able to help you to disconnect the old, self-destructive behavioral patterns and teach you new and healthy ones.

When one is in this situation, it seems impossible to survive without him. It seems that you will never, ever be able to “love” someone the way you love him, or be as attracted to someone the way you are attracted to him. However, with the right tools you can learn to love, honor and respect yourself enough to recognize what true love is, versus an unhealthy obsession and addiction. Loving yourself will be the best thing you’ll ever learn, and the most important one in choosing that which truly makes you happy all the time, not only in the five minutes he chose to be nice to you, before he disappears, cheats, leaves or is mean to you again.  ~ By Carmen Honacker   Check out Carmen's Blog for more powerful post.  Or one of her freelance post on the California Psychics Blog!


  1. I have been doing "self help" for years and it paid off, oh I still get by off days but on the whole I have been helped tremendously.

    Loved the read Coreen.


  2. I have had friends caught in this sad cycle. Thanks for introducing us to Coreen!

  3. I knew how it is to hang on to a unhealthy relationship. It is not only hard for the heart but also bad for our health.

    This is a very inspiring post Coreen. I hope women who are under a stressful relationship would read this make the final decision to love themselves now.

    Thanks for posting this :)

  4. Great re-post! Some cycles just need to be straightened for all parties involved. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  5. Hi Coreen, This post reminded me of a beautiful lady (why are beautiful women so insecure and so willing to go back into a horrible situation????) in our church whose hubby beat the living daylights out of her. She would seek refuge at our church over and over --and all of the ministers and counselors BEGGED her to get out of that situation.. She would ALWAYS go back to him--thinking he would change... It was a sad situation but she said that she loved him..... Huh????????

    I wonder what ever happened to that lady. She was gorgeous and could have had any man in the world I think... So sad--that these women just keep going back into those awful situations.

    Talking about it --through books, etc. has GOT to help.... I hope so anyhow.

  6. WoW!!! I saw an Aunt almost lose her life to this kinda love. I stressed to my daughter Social Butterfly as she was growin' up. If they love you...they WILL NOT hurt you. That cycle is so very hard to break.

    What a pungent read today. Great joy girl!

    God bless and have a amazin' day sweetie. place! :o)

  7. Great post Coreen - I can tell you have done your growth home work as well as I have.

    God bless and have a great Wednesday.


  8. Cognitive Behaavorial Therapy I'm familiar with, but I've never heard of hypnotherapy being used for this particular thing. Although they are now using it to lose weight and quit smoking.

  9. Gosh this post so reminds me of some women I even know today that were or are in these situations. I thank God for my blessings and the choices I have made. I could have been one of these women, back in my younger days, I was...great post COreen. XO

  10. strong!!! mind stirring post!!! .... that we do not have control over others and that love is not a solution to everything needs to be told in the most formative stage... by the time you realise it is too late..too much have happened to you and your life changes with a definite trend of not going back to normal (at least for a long time when you experience such a thing for the first time) ..... very very strong post.. loved every bit of it ...

  11. What a powerful story. I am glad I stopped by today. I have started a blog to help people by sharing their experiences of disappointment and showing how you can grow from those disappointments to live successfully. I think this post would be wonderful for my contest! Take a look.

  12. @Shanae - You are more than welcome to share this. I have more like it on my blog, which Coreen posted the link to. :-)


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