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I have a friend who keeps saying they want to be happy. Then just when I think they are following their hearts and allowing them self to be happy, they suddenly get pulled back into unhealthy and unhappy situations again and again... going down the path that everyone including them, knows won't bring them happiness. It's very frustrating and heartbreaking to see this happen... and it happens every single time.
So what can a friend do? I understand what this friend is going through, because I've been there. However, I didn't have a support system or the knowledge that I have now. My self-esteem was also very low back then. This person is very intelligent, can support them self, has support and in the end... I think knows better. But they keep going back for more unhappiness and even abuse... out of guilt and unhealthy misplaced loyalty.
This certainly isn't the first time I've been in this situation as a friend. In fact, this is the 4th time in 6 years that I have tried to 'save' a friend. Every other time I was told one thing... that they wanted help or that I was helping them. Only to discover through my own misfortune, that they were just using my friendship for strength to get them through. That they had no real desire to change or change their situation.
I thought each time of course that I was being a good friend, and I was. However, I also thought/believed each time that the lop-sided friendship of my giving and them taking, would balance out once they took care of their situation. Whatever that was. To get out of a bad relationship, stop drinking, being depressed, etc. etc. etc. Only each of those times, that never happened. I gave without getting anything back and I was left feeling empty... in fact drained and even used. Used as a friend... for support, comfort and strength.
This last experience I again was being a good friend to someone who needed me. They did! However, when I thought I was giving them strength to change their situation. I now feel that I was only giving them strength to endure their situation, not get out or change it. Because they once again seem to have been pulled back in... out of guilt or fear and have chosen the path that once again won't bring them happiness.
The last time this friend called me, just to hear my voice in order to give them 'strength' and 'comfort', it really upset me. Very upset, worried, hurt and even angry after I hung up the phone... with both myself and my friend. With myself, because I realized the pattern of being used in a friendship. I've been worried sick about my friend, losing sleep and caring too much once again. Upset with my friend because they should know how worried I am, that I have a heart condition and don't need the extra stress in my life. Yet they keep taking my support, draining my caring energy... while giving me none of those things in return.
They used to give great support and inspiration to me. I once felt we had a balanced relationship... but that was very early in our friendship. Somewhere along the way I let the friendship become unbalanced. That is my fault, because I let it.
Although I care and understand what this friend is going through, because I've been there... I can not help them. Not really help them anyway. Because you can't truly help someone if they are not ready, willing or able to help themselves. At least not yet. I continue to pray that they will someday.
It's heartbreaking to see a friend or anyone, go through this. But what can, or should, a friend do in these situations? I'm now thinking long and hard about the choices I've made and wondering what path I should now choose.
When to Help and When to Walk Away
When and How to Leave Unhealthy Relationships
Love them or Leave them
Who is my Twin Flame?
What's the say? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink? If she's not serious about changing, it doesn't matter what you say or do. You can only do one thing - pray for her.
ReplyDeleteSorry - sayING!
ReplyDeleteI use personal actions and how they work for me. I also tell people when I pray for them hoping they hear my thoughts and understand I can support them, but they are the ones to help themself.I have said you wear me out when they do, a friend tells everything good or bad.
ReplyDeleteHi Coreen, I wrote a nice, long comment and then Blogger ate it!!! Darn! So--I'll try to remember what I said!!!! ha
ReplyDeleteI know how it must feel when you 'know' that someone is making a bad choice, yet they don't do anything to make the situation better. People do make their own choices and there's not one thing we can do about it. We do feel guilty when this happens because we KNOW they are wrong. It's not our fault. AND--it's ultimately THEIR choice, right or wrong.
What upsets me the most is when a friend gripes and complains about something over and over ---yet they won't do anything to better that situation. I just have to leave the friendship since all I am doing is enabling them to gripe and complain, by listening to them. SO--it's 'my' choice to get out!!!
When it comes to abuse, it hurts me to see people going back into that situation over and over. Yet they do.. They just don't know how to get out, and probably aren't strong enough within themselves to get out... Many times they are making choices from their hearts rather than their minds.
I stayed in a marriage (not abusive though) for WAY too many years simply because I didn't know that I could make it on my own. How silly is that. I have done GREAT.
We all do make our own choices, good or bad. Others can help us, but until WE decide to make better choices ourselves, we have to live with those decisions/choices.
With God's help, we all can make good choices in our lives.. Sounds so easy--but so few allow God to help them.
Hugs,
Betsy
Coreen, you hit the nail in the right place. You really did. And I am very VERY very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThis friend ought to know that all this mess from their life takes away living moments of YOUR life, too and just because you care for them/love them, they cannot take it for granted that YOU will continue to let them share the stage with you in YOUR life story.
Well, first, I didn't know you have a heart condition. And second, all the support that you gave in the past was NOT for nothing!! Always remember this, the bible says that God never forgets a single thing we do for him, and kindness and understanding are two of those things. So even though these people still used you and made bad choices, you will get extra rewards in heaven because of your kindness and caring!! None of this has been in vain!! Now about what you are to do, since you asked me...I would continue being your sweet self to this person. BUT if she starts to talk about her problem, just nicely say that she knows what you think, and you think she is making the wrong decision. You will continue to be her friend, but until there is a real change, this is stressing you too much to talk about any more, and you cannot talk about it. I really think people don't even realize how much they stress us out.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a difficult situation. You can't let their situations drag you down - it's too emotionally draining and exhausting. Mabye tell them how you're feeling and tell them you're going to have to step back a bit for your own healthy state. good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's extremely sad that your friendship is being abused that way, especially when you're reaching out to help your friends.
ReplyDeleteLike Jemi said, please don't let them drag you down and drain your energy. *hugs*
I didn't know of your heart condition either.
ReplyDeleteLet me play devils advocate. When, in your past, you struggled, you said you didn't have anyone to help - what if you did - do you think you were ready to get out? Would you have?
Sometimes being in these situations cause such low self esteem - and when it is so low - sometimes you don't think you can or have enough strength to get out.
I think for me - I have known sometimes I've needed to do something and i just couldn't at the time - I had to do it when I could.
I don't know for sure, but try to help but don't let it hurt you. (HUGS) You care so much.
Love, sandie
You are absolutely right, Sandie!!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to both continue to be their friend & pray for them. But let them know when I'm worried and even feel hurt. I have to for my own self. Thank you, All!!
Sorry to hear about your heart condition, Velvet Over Steel. I will pray for your good health.
ReplyDeleteAs for the situation with your friend, I agree with Ginny's opinion. In order to continue to be a good friend, it looks like you need to set some boundaries for yourself.
I am so sorry that you feel this way - but so right you are. You can only help those who will accept your help, who will value it and see it for what it is and who will want to change.
ReplyDeleteTo change ones habits, ones behavior is very difficult. I feel it myself. In certain situations, no matter how hard I try, I seem to be finding myself in exactly the same trouble. It is as if I lack tools or skills to do it any other way.
Blessed are those who can call you their friend - I have never met a more warm and compassionate soul.
Have a lovely Monday dear Coreen,
xoxo
it's so sad that people wanted to be happy but can't find the right way to have it. as they say, the best way to help friends who are hungry is to teach them how to catch the fish instead of giving the fish directly to them. I hope you find the right road.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head. They must want to help themselves first. They and only they can change their lives for the better. If they insist on walking down the same old road of pain and unhappiness you must walk away. No sense in you going down that road...you both know it's outcome. Walk away! You have done all you can do. To continue is abuse towards you by them and yourself! Walk away!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs
SueAnn
Sounds like we have the same sort of friends. You have written I know, we can only worry about those things we CAN change, the rest we have to put in Gods hands.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy for people to say walk away but the reality of our kind, caring hearts makes it the most difficult thing we do.
Maybe the best thing to do is just accept. Accept the situation/person for what it is and simply move on. No change, no guilt, just crossing paths that are different journeys.
Peace my friend
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow
Thank you, Everyone! I did feel like I took my power & strength back this weekend, after writing both the Powerful post on Saturday http://velvetoversteel.blogspot.com/2011/02/when-and-how-to-leave-unhealthy.html & this one yesterday. :-)
ReplyDeleteI had a Strong intuition to Write what was on my heart this weekend. Thank you for listening!!!!
Love,
Coreen xoxoxo